One day all of that changed... Even though I was trying to live the same way and stay close to the Savior, I suddenly felt like the Love Notes that had given me hope and peace were not showing up as regularly. I found that I had to do a lot more myself and rely on him a little less. Instead of carrying me, it now felt like he was walking beside me cheering me on. I had to prepare myself more spiritually to be able to see the tender mercies I was being blessed with. It felt like I was entering a new period of growth and my faith was severely tested. I felt like the adversary was working on me harder than ever before to give up because it was hard! I was tempted to do things that I had never even desired to do or participate in. I wanted to feel good again. I wanted to feel pretty again. I started to notice those around me who acted like I was being too serious and deserved to have an excuse to step off the path I had always vowed to stay on. I'm so thankful that I didn't act on those temptations. I could never understand before how someone who is so close to the Lord and their family could make poor choices that ruin the life they have been blessed with. I understand that now. We are all imperfect children of God and sometimes we turn to the world and it's temporary pleasures instead of the one who can give us the most relief. In some of my darkest hours my kids would leave me Love Notes that kept me on the right path at just the right moment.
Throughout my struggles this year there were so many wonderful people still loving and supporting our family in prayer, but life had went on around me for everyone and many couldn't quite understand why I wasn't moving forward. They wanted our family to find happiness again and bring back the people they had known before Mike's death. I wanted that too. I desperately wanted to be the same woman I had been for the last 20 years. I loved being a stay at home mom. I loved creating a home for my family that was full of love, great food, and laughter. I was blessed to stay home with our children and instill the morals and values that would hopefully someday contribute to society in a positive way. But now everything I had known had changed and I was being required to start a new path. One that I didn't plan on. One that I still didn't understand. One that was going to be very challenging and out of my comfort zone.
With both of our sons serving 2 year missions, my daughters and I are going to become stronger than we ever thought or dreamed we could be. We can do this. We will become stronger every day and someday, if we stay true and faithful, these daughters of a King will be some of the strongest women there are in the face of adversity. They will become women of faith, strength, resiliency ,and love. They will have witnessed what true Charity is and learned what is of most importance in this life. At times when I feel like I can't watch them go through one more hardship I look at them through God's eyes and what they are becoming. This is their journey. There is a quote I love that says, "A strong woman believes that she is strong enough to face her journey, but a woman of
strength has faith that it is in this journey that she will become strong."
I will be going back to school and the girls and I will be separated once again for a season of time. Where at one time I would brush their hair, go to the beach, play the piano with them, teach them to cook, or go shopping, that would all have to be put on hold for now. Our whole family has been separated within a little over a year. We are a family of 6 who are all being immersed in our own individual journeys right now. My heart longs for the day we can all meet back together as a family. As I reflected on the last year, I see the Love Notes that led me into this next chapter of our lives. Our son, who was with Mike when he passed away, was with me a lot during that year before he left for his mission. He had inherited a lot of Mike's mannerisms and he voluntarily stepped up to help me through some very hard times. It felt like I still had a little piece of Mike around me and that gave me such comfort. When he left for his mission, I realized how much he had helped me through this last year. He showed amazing strength of character even though he had been through so much of his own trauma. He shouldn't have had to do that, but he felt like it was his responsibility. I'm so happy now that he can go and have time to develop his own personal relationship with his Heavenly Father by serving others and not just focusing on our family's trials.
I had received other Love Notes that prepared me for what is coming. Throughout the last year I have been taught many lessons. I have observed marriages around me, because that's just what you seem to notice when you have lost a spouse. I was reminded once again that marriage is not about what the other person does to make you happy but what you can do to make that person happy. You have to have something to give inside of you before you can be happily married. The last year I had nothing to give anyone else for the first time in my life. The only people I actually gave to were my children. They were my sole purpose. I learned that marriage is so taken for granted in a society that doesn't value it's importance anymore. Marriage is an unselfish act of loving a person completely and with your whole soul. There are not many willing to do that anymore. I realized that although I felt like my marriage was good, Mike and I both could have worked harder on the beauty of what it could have been. Until you've lost a spouse to death you don't realize all of the little things that you took for granted. The smile on their face, the kiss on your neck, the conversations at night while you're falling asleep. You miss the phone calls, the socks on the floor, the snuggling with a movie, the light in their eyes... The list could go on forever. Throughout the last year I was taught that life should be lived in the present moment. The most important things in life are the smallest things. I took time to just watch my children sleep for hours, kiss them on their their foreheads, and love them with all that I had left inside of me. I learned to watch for rainbows and beautiful sunsets every day to calm my spirit. I learned how vitally important it is to take care of my physical body and how it is so tightly connected with my spirit to keep my mind clear and focused. I learned that I don't have to do anything big to be of help to others. There are so many people who just need a smile, a hug, or a word of encouragement and that it's the smallest, things that help people feel the most important. I've learned how looking into the innocent eyes of a new born baby can heal my heart and connect with me when nobody else can. I've learned to observe elderly people who are still in love and how sweet and rare that is. Without this tremendous trial in my life I wonder if I would ever have slowed down and took the time to see the beauty in the simple things that surround me..
My life is getting very real now and I feel like the bad dream is becoming reality. Mike is not coming back right now. He is not going to be with me physically to meet the needs of our family. He's not going to walk in the door after work and start kissing and wrestling with everyone. He's not going to answer his cell phone for every concern I have with how to raise our children. He's not going to tell me how beautiful he thinks I am even in my worst moments. He's not going to be able to wipe away my tears or tell me I can achieve anything. He's not going to be in our family pictures for Holidays, special events, or weddings of our children. He won't be here to hold our grandchildren in this life. But even without his physical presence, I know he is in a place that he belongs that is peaceful and full of love and rest from his suffering body. He is wrapped in the arms of the Savior. He is preparing to see us again someday.
Just knowing he is at peace is the best Love Note I've ever received.. Love Notes from God are real...
