Love Notes...When Life Gets Real...

  For the first year after Mike passed away I recognized so many Love Notes, tender mercies , from God.  It seemed like everywhere I turned I was being blessed with little miracles.  I was on my knees constantly begging for relief from the pain and suffering, not just for myself, but for those around me who knew and loved Mike so much.  I prayed for angels to hold my children in their suffering.  I know without a doubt.. that wish was granted.   I prayed for strength to fight off the negative thoughts form the adversary that constantly filled my head with uncertainty about who I still was. There were constant harassing thoughts that made me question myself to see if I was actually strong enough to keep going. I prayed for those thoughts to leave me and would try to focus on whatever positive and uplifting thing I could to get rid of those taunts.  I read the scriptures, uplifting articles, and surrounded myself with uplifting music.  I felt at times that I was being literally carried so that I could function during the day. I was not alone during that time.  I would be riding in the car at times and feel like someone was with me.  It wasn't frightening, but instead very comforting.  The Love Notes I received during that year confirmed to me that I wasn't left alone and that I was being watched over constantly. I don't think I've ever felt more loved in my life during that time.  I was taught without a doubt that I was his precious daughter and that he would not ever forsake me..






         












     One day all of that changed...  Even though I was trying to live the same way and stay close to the Savior, I suddenly felt like the Love Notes that had given me hope and peace were not showing up as regularly.  I found that I had to do a lot more myself and rely on him a little less.  Instead of carrying me, it now felt like he was walking beside me cheering me on.   I had to prepare myself more spiritually to be able to see the tender mercies I was being blessed with.    It felt like I was entering a new period of growth and my faith was severely  tested. I felt like the adversary was working on me harder than ever before to give up because it was hard!  I was tempted to do things that I had never even desired to do or participate in.  I wanted to feel good again.  I wanted to feel pretty again.  I started to notice those around me who acted like I was being too serious and deserved to have an excuse to step off the path I had always vowed to stay on.   I'm so thankful that I didn't act on those temptations. I could never understand before how someone who is so close to the Lord and their family could make poor choices that ruin the life they have been blessed with.  I understand that now.  We are all imperfect children of God and sometimes we turn to the world and it's temporary pleasures instead of the one who can give us the most relief.  In some of my darkest hours my kids would leave me Love Notes that kept me on the right path at just the right moment.









       










        Throughout my struggles this year there were so many wonderful people still loving and supporting our family in prayer, but life had went on around me for everyone and many couldn't quite understand why I wasn't moving forward.  They wanted our family to find happiness again and bring back the people they had known before Mike's death. I wanted that too.  I desperately wanted to be the same woman  I had been for the last 20 years.  I loved being a stay at home mom.  I  loved creating a home for my family that was full of love, great food, and laughter.  I was blessed to stay home with our children and instill the morals and values that would hopefully someday contribute to society in a positive way.  But now everything I had known had changed and I was being required to start a new path.  One that I didn't plan on.  One that I still didn't understand.  One that was going to be very challenging and out of my comfort zone.




















           














      With both of our sons serving 2 year missions, my daughters and I are going to become stronger than we ever thought or dreamed we could be.  We can do this.  We will become stronger every day and someday, if we stay true and faithful, these daughters of a King will be some of the strongest women there are in the face of adversity.  They will become women of faith, strength, resiliency ,and love.  They will have witnessed what true Charity is and learned what is of most importance in this life.  At times when I feel like I can't watch them go through one more hardship I look at them through God's eyes and what they are becoming.  This is their journey.  There is a quote I love that says,  "A strong woman believes that she is strong enough to face her journey, but a woman of
strength has faith that it is in this journey that she will become strong."












       












       I will be going back to school and the girls and I will be separated once again for a season of time.  Where at one time I would brush their hair, go to the beach, play the piano with them, teach them to cook, or go shopping, that would all have to be put on hold for now.  Our whole family has been separated within a little over a year.  We are a family of 6 who are all being immersed in our own individual journeys right now.  My heart longs for the day we can all meet back together as a family.       As I reflected on the last year, I see the Love Notes that led me into  this next chapter of our lives.  Our son, who was with Mike when he passed away, was with me a lot during that year before he left for his mission.  He had  inherited a lot of Mike's mannerisms and he voluntarily stepped up to help me through some very hard times.  It felt like I still had a little piece of Mike around me and that gave me such comfort.  When he left for his mission, I realized how much he had helped me through this last year.  He showed amazing strength of character even though he had been through so much  of his own trauma.  He shouldn't have had to do that, but he felt like it was his responsibility.  I'm so happy now that he can go and have time to develop his own personal relationship with his Heavenly Father by serving others and not just focusing on our family's trials.














            














      I had received other Love Notes that prepared me for what is coming. Throughout the last year I have been taught many lessons.  I have observed marriages around me, because that's just what you seem to notice when you have lost a spouse.  I  was reminded once again that marriage is not about what the other person does to make you happy but what you can do to make that person happy.   You have to have something to give inside of you before you can be happily married.  The last year I had nothing to give anyone else for the first time in my life.  The only people I actually gave to were my children.  They were my sole purpose. I learned that marriage is so taken for granted in a society that doesn't value it's importance anymore.  Marriage is an unselfish act of loving a person completely and with your whole soul.  There are not many willing to do that anymore. I realized that although I felt like my marriage was good, Mike and I both could have worked harder on the beauty of what it could have been.  Until you've lost a spouse to death you don't realize all of the little things that you took for granted.  The smile on their face, the kiss on your neck, the conversations at night while you're falling asleep.  You miss the phone calls, the socks on the floor, the snuggling with a movie, the light in their eyes... The list could go on forever.       Throughout the last year I was taught that life should be lived in the present moment.  The most important things in life are the smallest things.  I took time to just watch my children sleep for hours, kiss them on their their foreheads, and love them with all that I had left inside of me.  I learned to watch for rainbows and beautiful sunsets every day to calm my spirit.  I learned how vitally important it is to take care of my physical body and how it is so tightly connected with my spirit to keep my mind clear and focused.  I learned that I don't have to do anything big to be of help to others. There are so many people who just need a smile, a hug, or a word of encouragement and that it's the smallest,  things that help people feel the most important.  I've learned how looking into the innocent eyes of  a new born baby can heal my heart and connect with me when nobody else can.  I've learned to observe elderly people who are still in love and how sweet and rare that is.  Without this  tremendous trial in my life I wonder if I would ever have slowed down and took the time to see the beauty in the simple things that surround me..  








    










             


















       My life is getting very real now and I feel like the bad dream is becoming reality.  Mike is not coming back right now.  He is not going to be with me physically to meet the needs of our family.  He's not going to walk in the door after work and start kissing and wrestling with everyone.  He's not going to answer his cell phone for every concern I have with how to raise our children.  He's not going to tell me how beautiful he thinks I am even in my worst moments.  He's not going to be able to wipe away my tears or tell me I can achieve anything.  He's not going to be in our family pictures for Holidays, special events, or weddings of our children.  He won't be here to hold our grandchildren in this life. But even without his physical presence, I  know he is in a place that he belongs that is peaceful and full of love and rest from his suffering body.  He is wrapped in the arms of the Savior.   He is preparing to see us again someday.












         




  Just knowing he is at peace is the best Love Note I've ever received..  Love Notes from God are real...          

Love Notes…I Am Not Alone!

  When you lose a spouse to death you find out what true loneliness really feels like. It’s such a hollow empty feeling. You can’t understand how you can be completely surrounded by so many people who care for you and still feel like you are all alone. For years you have been one half of a couple who together made everything feel like one whole person. You don’t want to feel that way. There are so many times you just stay away from any and every situation that screams, “I am alone!!” If you do go out into a social setting you try to fit in with the group of people you are with…but there is no perfect fit without your spouse… You don’t know where you fit anymore… There is no fit…
 I found this to be one of the hardest parts of losing Mike. Once we were known as Mike and Heide…now I was known as Heide, without Mike.

  



This changes the dynamics for anyone that knows me. We had been married for 20 years. Once we had couple friends we went out with or visited on vacations. Now I am still dearly loved by them, but I feel like I am the elephant in the room intruding into the lives of the married world…a place that is not mine anymore. Some of them don’t invite me to do things with them anymore because it’s just weird…it just doesn’t work. You can’t have several couples in a restaurant joking around with their spouses and talking about past memories while one sits there quietly and plays with her straw. Every time someone is around you they see your deceased spouse. It’s not the case with just friends…it’s family…..it’s school activities …it’s people from church. It is very uncomfortable for them and it’s just plain awkward. People hurt for you and try their best to include you and make you feel included, but it doesn’t change the reality that inside you are still alone.


I don’t think that until Mike passed away I have ever felt alone very often. I grew up as the oldest of 8 children in a home full of noisy, busy activities. In high school I had great friends and lived in a small community that had known and loved me since the time I was born. I have never lived by myself without college roommates or children to fill that need. You could say that I have been so blessed to have had a life without very much loneliness.  It certainly wasn't the type of gut wrenching loneliness that comes with grieving for the other half of me...my husband.


The last 9 months have been a tremendous growth opportunity for me. I have had to reach out to others when I have needed help. I have had to actually call people who love me when I can’t take the pain anymore. It is so hard for me to ask for help from others without feeling like I am burdening them. Where once, not too long ago in my life, I could pretend everything was great…now I choose to be vulnerable and let others see my pain and weakness. I can’t hide my reality from those around me. My pride has been taken down quite a few notches and I now have started to realize that only I, myself, a long with my Savior, can fill the void that loneliness leaves me.

 It is not anyone else’s duty to make me feel better during this trial. They have their own path to go through. They may choose to be in my life right now and mourn with me as true friends, but ultimately it’s not their responsibility to make it all better for me. As much as I try to explain what our family is going through right now, it is impossible for them to know exactly what we are living. They have their own individual struggles... No one understands my journey right now. No one knows my pain. No one gets it… No one but my Savior…


I have to find my own Love Notes, tender mercies from God, to keep me going during this time of loneliness…

Mike and I had a great marriage. It was far from perfect, just like every marriage is, but it was real and it was ours. While some may say they’ve had rough days in their marriage, Mike and I would tell you we’ve had some rough days too, and some really rough years. Even with all we have been blessed with, we have gone through some difficult and faith trying events in the last 7 years. I would call us survivors...but not always thrivers.

In the last few years we have built a home…right before the economy crashed, been slammed with hospital and medical bills that wanted to ruin us, went through all of our life savings to attempt to pay them, and tested the waters of unemployed for 18 months straight at one time

. We have learned how to live off of peanut butter on toast for breakfast, explored the world of network marketing because of unemployment, and been blessed with a sweet baby girl while in the process of building a home.
     


  Mike has had 2 heart attacks with 7 stents put in his arteries at 4 different surgery times..., and suffered from medication side effects, depression. and exhaustion that he hid from everyone for years.


  This pic is one we took together right after we had flown to see a doctor in California.  He was one of the best and has seen thousands of heart and diabetic patients. It was our last resort to see if we could slow his disease down.  It was the last time we would have a chance to search for answers. It was the last time we would ever spend time just as a couple on a weekend.

 

. During all of this time our family watched helplessly as their mother and wife developed some strange hives that covered her whole entire body for 10 months without subsiding. Mike and I spent thousands of dollars with specialists trying to get some answers and some relief. My whole body and face would swell so much that we would have to go to the hospitals and get steroid injections to control it. We never got an answer…they just disappeared one day. To this day I think it was the tremendous stress we were under.


Four months before Mike passed away we sent off our oldest child on a mission for the Lord for 2 years because he has the desire to share the gospel with others. It was one of the hardest days I've ever watched Mike go through.  He was so proud of him, but giving up one of his best friends for a few years.


Just recently I have looked back at these difficult experiences and how they were preparing us…making us stronger…bringing us closer as a family even in times that seemed unbearable we endured it…we survived it. We will survive this one too...one hour at a time.

 My perspective of trials has changed through this latest experience. Not one of those hardships was in vain!


As strange as it sounds, every one of those experiences were Love notes to teach me more about myself. Every trial leading up to the death of my husband was preparing me to face my worst nightmare.


I learned about patience when those hives covered my entire body and I could get no relief from the pain. I had to wait until they were gone…I had to develop faith that they would leave me.
I learned about thriftiness when we went through an unemployed time period. During that time of unemployment Mikes heart medication alone cost anywhere from $400 dollars and up without insurance that we had lost along with his job.

 The kids learned to be happy at home without being involved in everything under the sun. They learned to be creative and play outside…it didn’t hurt them at all. They became better friends because they were home as a family.
This is a rare Florida freeze where dad turned the sprinklers on so they could experience the world of ice!

 


  I learned that a sweet baby can be sent at the most inconvenient time to bring hope and laughter to a family…even if it’s while you are building a house…

 I learned what compromise is while building a home with Mike. Those kitchen cabinets were his choice, not mine... but now I love them.
    I learned that man can survive on peanut butter and bread alone for breakfast…


   
    I learned how the human heart works and about the anatomy of the body, how to place the IV so it stops beeping, and what to eat in a hospital cafeteria that won’t kill you. I learned to hate heart disease but be grateful for advances in modern medicine.


I learned how to sell a health product to total strangers so we could have peanut butter on our toast.

  I learned that during times of gloominess and depression, Star Wars can last for days… Harry Potter can last for months, and the 24 series on Netflix can be date night when the one you love doesn’t feel well enough to do anything else.


I learned how much my husband loved his family and continued to go to work every day until the day he passed away to provide for our family.

 I learned that children are strong and can do unbelievable things when both parents are not at their best. They can contribute to the family’s happiness in so many wonderful ways.


 I am now going through another learning stage…a much much harder one but one that has taught me more about myself and my life than all of the other trials put together.


  I just went through my first Mother’s Day without Mike.  It was extremely painful as the mother of his children but I am so blessed even while I am fighting every day to push myself out of bed and take care of these beautiful kids.  We will survive this…one way or another…    



In a sense, as painful as it is to go through this, I have never felt more spiritual growth inside of me. If I am to make it through each and every day I have to be on my knees in prayer. I am not strong enough to stand.


 I’ve had so many tell me that my faith is so unbelievable, but I think I’m just like everyone else. I have had the same choice to react to my circumstances just like everyone else has. Sometimes I react in anger and bitterness…other times I try to be humble and teachable. I have been put in many situations that required faith before and those baby steps have been there to help me through this next mountain in my journey.


My Heavenly Father has never forsaken me through any of those hardships. At times when I was feeling like I was defeated and that my life was totally not worth living were always during times when I had pulled away from the one who loves and knows me the best. I was trying to rely on my own strength to conquer those battles and running around in circles getting nowhere. I am human and still forget all the time that he is my strength…not me


. He has sent me love notes throughout my whole life, and it is just in the last year that I finally “get it”... I am finally humble enough for a moment to see that they are there. He loves me…he is molding me…he is helping me grow. It is painful…It is agonizing at times, but it is called growth and growth hurts!


Look at your life right now. What are the difficult things you are going through? What can this teach you? Will you let it…or will you fight it?


I have fought it for years but this time...I have no fight left inside of me. I am beyond exhausted emotionally and physically. I have had to become submissive. My life is in his hands now. I am trying with all I have inside of my soul to trust in his plan for me.


I know that he is sending me Love notes every single day, but it is my choice to accept them or keep struggling by myself without turning to him for help. I have been on both sides of that fence. I am just now at 40 years old grasping this concept. I get it finally!


The Savior has already suffered for me!  I am not alone!!


He is with me all of the time. As bad as it tears me apart inside, everyday he wants to bring me relief if I will just let him in... He loves me and you that much. I know what darkness feels like. I know what despair is. I know that the Savior has never left my side.  He has been there for me through all of the screaming, the anger, and the times I cannot breathe from all of the pain.  I also know what the light feels like.  I know that I can find peace in the middle of my storm. Every time I recognize a tender mercy, a love note from my Heavenly Father I am showered with some ray of light to give me the strength I need to keep moving forward and trusting him. The more I recognize his hand in my life, the more I see his love for me.



 I know that life will never be the same...  I will never be the same person again...My perspective on life has changed dramatically.  Grief teaches you to feel deeply. It changes you into a person that wants to be around people who "'Get It"   You see others who have gone through major battles and have come out as inspiring and thriving individuals. You want to learn from them...you want to know what made them into the person they are today.  You want to come out the victor...not the victim.


. I know that I may continue to struggle and lose faith at times.  I know that I will continue having a hole in my heart for Mike for the rest of my life, but I also know Mike would want me to find peace and a way to help others through with their struggles.  I am not alone... The Savior will never leave my side.


Love Notes from God are real…

Love Notes…From Sacrifice

Love notes, tender mercies, can be hard to recognize when we have lost someone who is very dear to us, especially when we are later made aware that our life's journey brings with it numerous more challenges.  Several of those challenges will require sacrifices on our part.  When you lose someone you love to death, you feel like it is a sacrifice in so many ways. It's not a sacrifice that you have chosen to give freely, but it still feels like you are giving away something that is part of yourself, even something that defines you as a person.  Nothing in your life is ever the same.  Nothing in life is normal again.  You have to create a new normal.







  When Mike passed away I felt like it was a huge sacrifice.  I had lost my husband of 20 years right smack in the prime of our lives.  Our four children would grow up without their father to guide them. I believe God needs Mike but it is so difficult to understand why he needs him more than we do right now.  I have tried so hard to build my faith and keep my hope alive that someday I will be able to see the bigger picture. I have had several conversations with others confiding in me that they can't understand why this is happening to our family.  How can God allow this to happen to our family?  The only answer I have for them is that our ways are not God's ways...  We have to trust that he knows what is best.




 The events that happened the week of Mike's death were such a testimony to me that it was really his time to go.  There were signs everywhere that cannot be explained in any other way. I am so grateful for the peace this brings me at times when I feel like I cannot live for one more day.   I pray that in the future the sacrifices we have made as a family here on earth will be very minor compared to what God is using Mike to accomplish.






   There may be times in our lives when we need to sacrifice something or someone we love even temporarily for the benefit of others who need their help. You might be a parent who has to sacrifice time with your family because you are working two jobs just to be able put food on the table. You may be sacrificing something you love now for something you know is more important. You may have a child or husband serving in the military for our country. If so, you have probably spent months and possibly years waiting and hoping for their safe return. You know what it’s like to raise your children alone. You know what it is like to give selflessly to others without receiving any promise of a reward or their safe return. Some people have even sacrificed their own or their loved one’s lives just for us to have our freedom. Hopefully we are aware of those sacrifices and are grateful for them.







 When Mike passed away one of the first things I thought was, “Well Heavenly Father, if you’re going to take him this early you better make my life extremely easy from here on out!!” I know that was probably very prideful and selfish, but I felt like this was enough pain and sacrifice for me to go through in this lifetime. That isn't how it works.  I’m not the one that decides when I’ve gone through my fair share of trials.







 I have spoken to several people who have survived cancer, lost children to death, and gone through many other major storms in their lives.  The ones who refuse to be victims have one thing in common.  They all believe in a bigger power than themselves and they just keep putting one foot in front of the other every single day. There is no such thing as quitting for people who know what real trials are. They understand that in order to survive or even thrive,  they have to seek out their love notes and find good in the world and in their pain. They understand that throwing in the towel just draws out the process longer and makes them more bitter and more miserable. We don’t get to choose what happens to us, or how much we can take…we only get to choose how we react. We are not in control…God is… We are only in control of our choices and attitudes.







 Right now my sacrifice is letting go of half of our family members to serve the Lord all at once…one who has left this earth recently to be with the Savior... and two others who have both committed to serve up to two years serving missions and sharing the gospel of Jesus Christ… Within one year three out of six of our family members will be gone.






 








    Where once there were three handsome, strong, and of course somewhat annoying men at our table…now there will only be the girls and myself. The dining room table that once was full of six noisy happy people sharing their day and fighting over the last bread roll is almost instantly becoming very bare and quiet.






 





I would have never known life could change so fast for us. I now know how very important it is to have dinner together as a family.  That is part of the Love notes that some of us are blessed to receive in life.  Eating by yourself is a very lonely and empty feeling.  Families are so important for society and for happiness in this life.  It's not always easy to live together and get along, but God knew what he was doing when he designed the family.








 Since the time our boys were toddlers we have hoped and prayed that our children would serve missions. We’ve prayed that they would have the desire to give unselfishly and take time in their lives to see what is really important. Growing up they raised animals for the fair to show and earn money to put into their mission accounts. We talked about it all of the time. It's crazy how fast they grow up to reach their dreams.




  Mike had been a missionary in Asuncion Paraguay when he was 19.






 









His mission was a big part of developing his love for the Savior and people of all cultures. He had such tender feelings for the people in South America. He was amazed at their strength and the joy
they possessed while living in such humble living conditions.










  







  He loved how they clung to the gospel of Jesus Christ and didn’t take their lives for granted. He went without the conveniences of his comfortable life in the United States for two years and would tell us frequently how we have so much compared to those who have so little in so many countries. Those two years were what he called the best, but hardest, two years of his life. He learned how to rely on his Heavenly Father to help him through difficult times and sickness. He learned what it felt like to be rejected, persecuted, and loved for his beliefs.









 







  Through the service of the Lord and his children, Mike found himself.











Even though I know that our sons are making praiseworthy choices, the last two weeks have weighed very heavily on me and have been extremely difficult. As an imperfect woman, my faith has been tested and I am starting to feel the heavy burden of not only grieving over the loss of my husband, but also letting the Lord borrow both of our sons to further the work of Jesus Christ and his teachings. I have had a very hard time focusing on daily tasks and concentrating on all that needs to be done to prepare. I have been feeling discouraged and have had to try extra hard to put a smile on my face. As I’ve contemplated my circumstance I feel overwhelmed with the challenge in front of me and our two daughters who will be home with me. It was their choice to go on these missions but until recently I still saw it as borrowing them out.





I have been in a funk of sorts, just trying to understand why and how much the Lord really expects of me and why all at once. Why does he need them all at once while I am going through so much suffering and pain??  Yes, I am elated that both sons have the desire to serve missions, but why couldn’t he have left Mike here with me just for the next few years? Just sending our first missionary out was so difficult and that was when Mike was still with me to put his arms around me and hold me.. the tender hearted mother of a missionary...







 One night I was having a normal night of restlessness that seems to happen all too frequently in the last several months. The message I received that night was very clear. I wasn’t borrowing our sons to the Lord. Our sons are really his children! Everything I have been given is the Lords! I am actually the one borrowing these stalwart young men from him. He has given us two awesome sons who could not be any different from each other in personality, but are becoming what I had always hoped they would. They are far from perfect, but they have the desire to serve other people. As hard as it would be for me…it was a Love note just knowing that I had been given sons who had faith in God.







 Yes, I am going to have to be strong… Yes it will be just be me and our daughters now, but this is happening because the Lord thinks I am strong enough to do this. He knows me so much better than I know myself. He knew all of this would happen before it ever did. He knew I would struggle and question him and try to understand how I would ever get through this. He also knew that by relying on him instead of them as my strength, my faith would grow and I would become what he wanted me to become. He is going to have to be my strength for me to get through this.








I have always believed that God takes the good ones early. Since Mike passed away I have wondered if he’s doing missionary work once again. Why wouldn’t he be? Heavenly Father’s children are all the same. One is not any more important than the other. He loves us all the same perfectly. Why wouldn’t he give those who hadn’t had a chance to learn about him the same opportunity when they passed away as he has given everyone else?




 The day of Mike’s funeral I had several people come up to me and tell me that at times in their lives when they had decided to go back to church again, Mike was always the first one to hug them and shake their hand. It didn’t matter if it had been 5 years or if they were just there because it was Easter or Christmas…he didn’t judge them. I don’t think a wife would want to hear anything greater than that about her husband. I had been married to him for 20 years and had not known that people had recognized the love my husband had for them. Mike was not the most social, outgoing person but he reached out to others when it mattered. He understood that no one person is better than anyone else in the Lord’s eyes. We are all growing at different rates as individuals and we all have our agency to choose to come toward God or continue pushing him away. It’s all up to us.







 The closer we come to him, the more we will begin to see his love notes for us. We will begin to see that they were there all along…even when we felt like we had been abandoned and forsaken.


Our son, who is serving in the Provo Spanish mission, has met several people who have lost their husbands or fathers early to death. Because of his knowledge, he has been able to introduce them to the plan of happiness and let them know that they can be with them again someday. He had been gone only 4 months when his father passed away. He chose not to come home for the funeral because he knew his dad would want him to stay in the mission field.  He knew his dad well enough to know that Mike did not like attention focused on him.   It has not been easy for him to grieve over the loss of his father while trying to teach people about Jesus Christ. There have been times when he almost decided to come home, but then changed his mind because he felt stronger. I know that it is because of the prayers of so many people of faith that he has been strengthened and has been able to serve this long.




 He has helped others come onto Christ because they are inspired by his faith during the storm. They in return have shown him the love he needs to keep serving through this loss.

There have been so many who have loved our son and sent him letters and pkgs while he is away. I feel like I will never be able to thank them enough.


 One of the hardest parts of Mike passing away was not being able to hold my son in my arms and comfort him because he wasn’t here. That was a time when I pleaded with God to comfort him and hold him in his arms if I couldn’t. I know that he heard those prayers because miracles have happened in our son’s life.







 I recently received this picture of him with a sweet baby that he was privileged to bless in Spanish.






 







  He wrote me a letter reminding me of a quote by one of the church leaders saying that we are not earthly beings having spiritual experiences; we are spiritual beings having earthly experiences. Wow, that puts into perspective doesn’t it?








Our missionary who is leaving our home in the next few months is the son who was playing basketball with his dad at the time of his death. He has made it through his senior year but it has been full of struggles. He has had numerous nightmares and flashbacks of that horrible night. He has been in counseling and has learned to cope with the images he carries with him. Through many prayers he has been able to keep going to school and getting good grades. I truly believe that God can heal anything if we have faith in him. He will be going to Argentina in a few months for 2 years.






 






 I have spoken to him several times asking him if he feels that he is really ready emotionally to leave yet. He always replies, “Mom how can I not go right now? People need to know they can be with their families forever even after they die. They need to know Heavenly Father loves them.” How do you argue with that?








Yes, this will most definitely be a time of sacrifice for me. I could ask them not to go and stay with me, but what if there are people out there searching for something more to add to their lives? What if there are people who need to know that there is a God that loves them and that is kind and merciful? What if there are people who have lost family members to death and have no hope that they will ever be reunited? I couldn’t even imagine the despair that would bring to not know…







When our youngest daughter was in first grade she told a boy in her class that he was a child of God and that he was important. She came home crying because he didn’t believe her. She said, “Mom, he just laughed and told me I didn’t know that” Then she looked at me with tears in her eyes and held my face in her hands. “Mom he really is a child of God isn’t he??"  She was so crushed that he hadn’t believed her. She wanted so  badly to make him believe and let him know that God loved him just as much as her. When she couldn’t force him to do that she became so upset. I explained to her that everyone has their choices and their own agency to believe what they want, but maybe someday he would find out that he was a child of a loving God. I was proud of her courage, but crushed by her little disappointed face and tears of empathy.







 Wouldn’t it be awesome if everyone knew that they were a child of God and that he loved them no matter what? Wouldn’t that change the world to know that they had value as more than just a number on earth but that there was a God in Heaven who had a plan for their life and that they had a purpose. Imagine the change for good in this world if everyone could accept that gift. Imagine if everyone knew that they were of the same worth as those around them no matter what.








I heard a story once where a 20 dollar bill was held in the air by a teacher and the students were asked how much it was worth.  They all said it was worth what it said... it was worth...20 dollars.  The teacher then asked the students to pass it around the classroom.  They were told they could crumple it, step on it, wad it up; just about anything they wanted too. Of course this was fun for them so they all took turns trying to disfigure and tarnish this 20 dollar bill.   After the bill had gone around the room the teacher  held it up in the air and asked them how much that bill was worth now.






 








The kids looked at the bill that was battered and crumpled and all gave the same answer. That 20 dollars was still worth 20 dollars no matter what it had gone through. It didn’t matter what it had been through or where it had been.







I have decided that this life is really not just about us. Of course it is a time of growth and time to have fun and to become, but how we become is to lose ourselves in the service of others. When we think about it with a different perspective we don’t stay in our pity party very long. We realize the there is something more to life than the latest cell phone, nice cars, designer clothing, and entertainment. While there is nothing wrong with those things, they don’t bring the joy that you can get when you help someone else. When you are in the service of your fellow being you are only in the service of your God







When Mike first passed away I saw a lot of people sacrifice for our family. We were given generous donations from people that I knew didn’t have that money to give us. We were brought so much food there was not enough room to put it in the house. We had a benefit organized for us where others contributed their time, energy, and whole hearts just for our family. Some of them didn’t even know Mike, but they were just those kinds of people. They were people who thought more about others than themselves.  Our daughter is a barrel racer and was a part of this club who helped us. Since Mike's death she has been able to participate with this club honoring her father and the veterans in the military.  I will forever be grateful to all of them. I am very aware of who they are and I hope that I can return the kindness someday. People who serve others are happy people. They don’t have time to waste feeling sorry for themselves. They have a sense of worth and a sense of value because they find themselves while serving others. They are grateful people because they have sacrificed and helped someone in need. Their lives have meaning. I have no doubt they are blessed for their service.







 The people that sacrificed and served our family throughout this hard time will never know how much our family has needed their love.  My children can tell you to this day who it was that came to our house, gave them hugs,  or volunteered at a bake sale for 5 hours raising money for our family. They can give you the names of those who checked on them at school every day for the last several months.   They will tell you who was with their brother on his mission when he was told his father had passed away. They will tell you who brought them a box of sunshine full of everything yellow and happy. They have observed it all and they now know that there are good people out there. As a mother of four children who have gone through so much agony and suffering, I can tell you the names of those who filled in for me at times when I could not function or had nothing left to give.







I sometimes wonder why there are some people who would sacrifice everything to help others. I wonder if it’s because they have been on the side of pain and suffering. Maybe they were raised by good parents who taught them how to love and serve others. Maybe their home life was terrible growing up so they have vowed to make this world a better place. Maybe they just know that everyone is of worth even if they don’t know them personally. Whatever it is, I’m so thankful to those who have sacrificed so much for our family in the last 9 months. We have been reminded through your deeds what true Christ like charity is.






  I guess when we feel like we are required to sacrifice too much of what we love, maybe we should ask ourselves who really sacrificed the most.  God sacrificed his only begotten son for us.







 







  When life seems unbearable remember that the Savior has already taken our sins and pain upon himself for us.  It may be extremely difficult and excruciating at times, but imagine what life would be without this gift for us.  What an awesome love note!  He loves us and knows that we are worth whatever it takes to be resurrected and live with him again.




 My sacrifices are hard and very real to me, but in the big picture they are nothing compared to what he went through for me. He suffered more for me and you than we can even begin to comprehend.  He didn't do it because he had too.  He chose to do that because he loves us that much!  He knows we are human, he knows we are sinners, but he loves us unconditionally.




 We are God’s children.  He knows our name.  Love notes from God are real...           

Love notes…Scattered thoughts

 Love notes from God can come from anywhere. They come to us in ways that are very personal and unique to the challenges we are facing in our life. Sometimes Love notes, Tender Mercies, can come from a wide range of scattered deep thoughts that we may have as we are going through the grief process. When you are grieving you have a lot of time to spend contemplating your life because it is very hard to focus on normal everyday activities for more than a few minutes at a time. It’s like you are consumed with the person you miss and you are searching for any sort of peace and comfort to help you get through one more day. You think about the past, the present, and the future. You have so many unanswered questions but have to trust that someday those questions will be answered. Someday the tears that are so unpredictable now will be wiped away and everything that is so confusing will make sense. There are many sleepless nights when you have hours and hours just to spend pondering the whys or the what ifs?  It requires tremendous faith to trust in Heavenly Father’s plan for your life.

 As I have been experiencing all of the deep emotions that grief brings along, I am amazed at the ways in which I am starting to see life so much differently than I ever did before. The problems in my self absorbed world that I thought were so important before now seem to be so shallow. I continually try to see everything in an eternal perspective. To me this life on earth is just an interruption of the life that I hope to have someday with my family that will last forever. This life is a test, a learning experience to see if I will be grateful for what I have been given. I am here to see if I will submit my will to God and become what it is he knows I can become and do what he asks me to do. Finding Love notes during the storms that I face is my way of coping. I have found that gratitude is the true source of happiness. It is not always easy, but it changes your whole perspective of what your life can become if you choose to let it. We are here to have joy even during the difficult parts of our journey.

 There’s a story I heard right after Mike passed away that conveys that there are times when we are too hard on ourselves as children of God. We long to be that perfect person who always has it together. We may be prideful and never want to show the weak part of ourselves to such an unforgiving world. I know that I’ve always wanted to achieve far greater success than what I have. I always seem to be lacking in some area and more often than not I condemn myself for not meeting my own expectations as a human being.

  Last year there was a woman who wrote a blog about this very thing. She decided that she may not be able to be or do all that she thought she should each day, but she could give herself credit for the things she did that made a difference no matter how small. She called her little achievements drops of awesome. She talked about how we should stop trying to be everything and do everything. We should concentrate on putting one small drop of awesome in our bucket at a time and then let our Savior fill the rest of our bucket with the drops we are lacking. I loved this concept! What if we do all that we can do and then let the Savior fill in the rest of the bucket? What if we can only give one drop of awesomeness today but at least it was one drop of awesome!

 Sometimes when you are grieving it feels like you have days where there is not a single drop of awesomeness to be found inside of you. You have to dig really hard to find a drop of awesome to add to your bucket that day. Just getting your kids to school on time may be your only drop of awesome that day. You may have a job that you have to go to while you are still mourning and emotionally unstable, but just getting through your day without falling apart in front of your coworkers is your drop of awesome for that day. You might have bills to pay but you no longer have the same income since your spouse has passed away. Finding the way and the courage to pay one of those bills may be your drop of awesome for that day. There will be days when you want to have the desire to keep putting drops of awesome in that huge bucket but you are exhausted and all you really feel like doing is kicking the bucket across the yard and screaming out whatever comes through your head. You may feel like losing the person you loved is unfair and that it is even more unfair that people still expect you to give them what they need while you are still filled with so much pain and suffering. They want you to be happy because they love and care about you and it hurts them to see you suffering. They want to make it all better for you, but it will never be all better.

What if during those days of suffering the only drop of awesome you can give is to trust. It may be that all you have inside of you is just enough trust in the Savior for him to keep carrying your bucket for you and filling it with drops of awesome that can begin slowly healing your heart day after day. Maybe he’s just waiting for us to turn to him and use the gift of the atonement that he so freely gave to us. He gave it to us because he loved us not because we are deserving or perfect. He gave it to us because he knew that we would not be able to get through this life without this gift.

When Mike passed away there were times when I really felt like my life was over. He was my other half; he was such a huge part of who I was that I didn’t know how I would ever start to begin healing. A few days after he had passed away I remember waking up before the sun came up and feeling an overwhelming feeling to run away from it all. I knew what was coming and I didn’t want to have to face it. I drove out to the beach to have some time to think and some time to let the tears flow without hurting anyone else again through my tears. Grief is such an awkward thing. There are times when you feel like you can’t show your true emotions to those you love because you feel like it just seems to add to the pain that you already see when you look into their eyes. You want to protect them as much as they want to protect you. I remember sitting on the cold, wet sand that early morning watching the waves crash across the beach.






.


 It was overcast and the scene before me resembled just how I felt inside. There was a cool breeze blowing my hair into my face and I could see for miles of endless miles that never seemed to end. I could relate to that on so many levels. It was all just beginning, but I couldn’t see an end in sight. The following day would be the funeral of my 43 year old husband. I was 39 years old and had no idea how to start living again. If I lived to be 85 I would need to come up with something to do for the next 45 years without him in my life. He was my life. I would have to recreate my life. I couldn’t see an end in sight to what I would be facing for the next several years without him. It was all too much to comprehend. It seemed impossible and unfathomable. How was I supposed to do this?






I remember sitting there feeling so numb. I couldn’t cry because it hurt too much to cry. I wanted to lie right there on the beach and stay there until it was all better. I didn’t care if there was more to do to make sure the funeral plans were completed. I didn’t care if I had a dress to wear. Mike wouldn’t see it on me anyway. As I was sitting there feeling these wave of emotions come over me I had the craziest thought come into my head. This thought that came into my mind seemed like such an easy answer in that moment. I knew that my whole family was here in Florida to support me, the funeral was ready for the most part, and the kids were taken care of. I had the crazy, selfish thought that I could get into that suburban and I could drive off forever. I could run away and not deal with what was coming the following day. They could handle it right? I didn’t want to be the widow that I had seen in movies wearing the black dress looking pitiful and so alone. I didn’t want everyone to hurt for me any more than they already had for so many days. If I drove off away from it all it would solve everything. I could change the whole scenario and life would be back to how it was last week. Mike would kiss me goodbye, climb into his white work truck holding his protein shake in one hand and his phone and laptop in the other. He would waive his goofy waive and smile at me as he backed out of the dirt drive way to go grow some beautiful trees and shrubs. I would continue teasing him that he thought he was the best grower in the Garden of Eden.

I remember the sun coming out from behind the clouds at the very moment I was considering this crazy plight. It started shining directly on my face and filled me with an overwhelming light and warmth. It seemed to melt all of the fears and irrational thoughts I was feeling in that moment. I felt a love note sent to wake me out of such a crazy state of mind. I began to feel so much stronger than I had ever felt in my whole life. I knew that I could face tomorrow as a tribute to my husband and the beautiful life that he had led. I got up and dusted the sticky sand off of my body. That day instead of taking the easy way out I drove my old white suburban back to the house Mike and I had built together. This would not be easy, but I had been given some extra strength to help me pull through what was to come. Choosing to go home that day was a drop of awesome for my bucket. It would be the hardest thing I would ever do to watch them lower the casket of my best friend and lover into the ground, but I was going to be there. I was going to be there for Mike and our children. 

The months following his death were unbelievably hard. Each day I would try to find any kind of love note... a tender mercy from God letting me know that he still knew I still existed. There were minutes of peace that I knew came from the Holy Ghost and there were minutes of tremendous suffering. One day I was going through some clothes in my closet and came across a shirt I had bought the summer before. I had bought it thinking that if I wore it when I exercised it would make me want to push myself harder. I had always had the well intentioned desire to run a 5k someday. My desire to do that was sometimes ruled out by my desire to sleep in for just one more hour. The word strength was written across the front. At that moment I didn’t see it as a work out shirt anymore. I knew that this would be the shirt I would wear on days when I would need to find strength... those days when I felt like I couldn’t do what I had to do as a mother of 4 children. I have worn it on several days since Mike passed away. I do not resemble a woman of  physical strength yet I wear it because it gives me strength. I’m sure people think I wear it because I am in denial of my fitness appearance. I’m sure it comes across as quite humorous to some. That is so far from the truth, but I know what it resembles and that’s all that matters. It reminds me about the scripture that Paul talks about. The one that tells us that we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us.

 There comes a point when you are grieving that you stop caring about what others think of you. If you ever been around a person who has gone through some trying circumstances you notice one thing about them. They don’t base their life on what others think of them. They have had to rely on something bigger than themselves to survive something so very difficult. I think of breast cancer survivors I know. Before they had the cancer they were wonderful people, but after they survived the cancer and conquered its ugliness they become different people. They became strong. They found something inside of themselves that they never knew existed because they were put in a circumstance where they had to find it. Sometimes the person with cancer does not survive, but that storm that they fought changed those who were with that person every step of the way. Those people never see life the same again. They realize that having the ones they love with them is a gift and they don’t take life for granted anymore. Grieving for the loss of someone who is a large part of your life is painful, but I could never compare it to that of a cancer survivor. That is one battle I hope I never have to go through.

 I took this picture one day after I had been crying while making a dinner that Mike would never come home to enjoy with us.
 



I took it because this is real. This is what grieving looks like. It’s not pretty. It’s not something that you can control.

 It doesn’t look like the pic I had taken with the girls a few days before to post to the world.   That picture that showed how wonderful and strong I was. It seemed to say, "Look at how strong I am still... even after losing my husband of 20 years less than a year ago!"

 

This is real… this is my battle right now… with God I will get through it.

  I have a dirt road that runs along the side of our home.      
I was walking along it one evening, when I started noticing all of the beautiful wild flowers that were scattered all along the sides of the canal.
 



They weren’t flowers that were planned to be planted in a specific spot. They were growing between fallen limbs, ant piles, and in between slopes on the side of the road that were anything but smooth. They were a little out of place and didn’t quite fit the mold of the perfect flowers in a perfect environment, yet they were still alive. They were still beautiful and they were still thriving even in an unstable environment. There was no guarantee that they would have a wonderful future or that anything would stay the same for them, yet they were in the present moment becoming something beautiful. They were making the most of the situation that they were in at that time in their lives. They were giving something back to the world if it was just standing strong in places where they shouldn’t have been able too. I started thinking about how sometimes our lives are like that. Sometimes we feel more like a wild flower or a weed in life. We have no control of our lives because what has happened yet we can control how we choose to react to our circumstances. We are not sure where we belong or what our purpose is anymore. We start to realize that Heavenly Father is our creator and that he has a plan for us. Our life may not fit the normal mold that we feel it should, but we are still something beautiful in his eyes. We have a purpose and he has a plan for us. That plan may just be to help all of the ugliness that surrounds us appear more beautiful because of our strength during the storms of life. Maybe there are others who we can help because we know what it’s like to go through hard circumstances. Maybe we weren’t meant to be a perfect flower in a perfect world that never learns to grow amid the curve balls life throws us.
 The day after Mike passed away our family was given a gift. A beautiful niece entered the world. Her name is Paisley Raye. She is always smiling and brings joy to everyone around her.




Paisley was born during a week that was full of all kind of deep emotions. One minute we are all feeling the shock of losing one of the most important people
in our lives to death, and the next minute we are trying to feel the joy that comes from a new fresh baby that has been sent from heaven to this world.  It all happened within 24 hours. I remember Mike’s brother coming to our home with tears in his eyes telling me that he knew Mike had been at the birth of this precious baby girl.  He said he remembered feeling like Mike was standing in the room with him as he held his first born.  When I heard him talk about this I knew that there would be no other place Mike would rather be. He had always loved babies. If there was ever one around you could bet he would be holding it, kissing it, and making it smile. It didn’t matter if it was his kid or a stranger's. Mike was love.














 There is a little boy named Carter that used to sit in front of our family in church. He and Mike connected from the very start of his life.



They had a bond that was very evident. Almost every week Mike would lean across the bench and grab him to sit him on his lap, play with him, and talk to him.  He always brought a smile to Mike's face.  When Mike passed away Carter's parents brought him to the viewing and the funeral so that he could say goodbye to Mike and learn about the resurrection.  He wanted to know where Mike had gone.  There were times before Mike passed away that we would talk about how Carter seemed to be so wise for his age. He wasn't like most of the kids his age. Still today,  Carter continues to send our family pics that he draws of Mike quite regularly.  He tells his mom what his pictures represent and she writes the words for him since he is still so young.  Just last week on Easter he was telling his mom how Mike was going to resurrect someday. He gives me hope that our relationships in heaven as spirits are continued here on earth and that they will be just as strong someday when we return to our Father in Heaven.




 When Mike’s burial plot was chosen, we chose for him to be buried at the head of the grave of one of his cousins who had died as an infant. His name was Joseph… just like Mike’s middle name. I can only imagine the joy that will bring Mike to be put to rest by a child. He was always so much more comfortable with children than adults.




 One of the hardest concepts of Mike leaving this earth so early was that I wouldn’t be able to share those grandparent years with him and our grandchildren. That really bothered me and I shed many tears over the fact that I would be missing something that we had looked forward to in the next few years. One day one of my closest friends shared a thought she had about that. She said, “You know what... maybe he won’t be here during those years, but if I know Mike he’s up there choosing them out right now. He’s choosing athletes, and spiritual giants, and comedians for the family.” That gave me such peace and put a smile on my face when she said that. Of course he was meeting them. We may not be together physically, but we would still be grandparents together spiritually.







Love notes are all around us all of the time. They may be earth shattering miracles, they may be good deeds from others that he puts in our path, or they may be just scattered deep thoughts that come to us to give us hope and change our perspective of our circumstances. Our Savior is completely aware of what we need when we are grieving. He has felt all of those thoughts. He has felt the pain that we feel every minute of every day. He knows that we all have different circumstances and different needs on our journey though life. It is up to us to open our eyes and our hearts to the gifts that are given to us to comfort us and give us strength. Sometimes we may be at our lowest point before we are humbled enough to have to find a source of strength in a love note. God knows you. You are his child. Love notes are real.

Love notes…Smiles in the Storm

Fighting  through the storms in our lives can be extremely heavy and exhausting. We may feel the Savior walking along beside us, but it still feels like we are constantly carrying an elephant around on our back. We don’t want to feel the pain anymore, but it feels so wrong to laugh or smile when we have been hurt or have lost someone who made us feel so whole before. We’re afraid that if anyone witnesses us enjoying a small moment that they will come to the conclusion that we are in denial about how terrible our situation really is. We’re afraid that if we laugh it means we are not being loyal to the one we are grieving for. It’s not a funny situation so why should we even allow ourselves to go there?… It’s like we have a  huge neon sign hanging around our neck that says," Please don’t make me smile!… I’m not supposed to do that yet!. It hasn’t been long enough!" If there’s one thing I do know it is that God wants us to have joy. He wants us to look for the good in our experiences here on earth and to help other people do the same. He doesn’t have a certain time table for us to stay miserable. In fact, I’ve never heard that God wants us to be miserable. Unfortunately we are human, and once again, we all deal with the tragedies in our lives very differently.  Our life will never be normal again without the person that we love.  We will always have a hollowness in our heart that never goes away.  That hollowness is a sign that we knew how to love someone deeply. It doesn't mean we don't love them deeply if we have to create a new normal in our lives without them. It doesn't mean we don't love them if we find some joy in life again. It may take a very long time to start allowing ourselves to feel joy, but it's ok to feel it.
 What if Heavenly Father wanted to send you a love note that would bring a smile to your face and briefly wipe away your tears that never seem to have an end? What if he desires for you to have a few minutes of peace?  What if he wants to give you a Tender Mercy, a small window of hope that shows you that you can heal and become whole again ?  Love notes from God can be small simple things that bring a smile to your face during your never ending storm. Those storms where you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel but you just have to put one foot in front of the other and trust in him.. You have to take the next step up the staircase and hope that you will find what you are desperately searching for once you reach the top.   Love notes don’t have to be serious.


 I believe God has a great sense of humor.  Have you ever watched a penguin walk??   He wants us to be happy.
   When you are facing a treacherous storm in your life, the last thing you think about is smiling. For some reason the world has led us to believe that we must react to our challenges in a negative way. It’s like there’s a criteria for how you should grieve and if you don’t follow it exactly you are a failure at grieving. You totally stink as a griever!! I have learned throughout this storm I am in that there is no right way to react to adversity. You are unique!  I have read a lot of books with all kinds of advice and most of it really didn't help me. There is no stupid book that can tell you when you should cry next or when not to cry!  There is no book that should tell you when it is appropriate for you to chuck something across the room or lash out in anger. If you have a book like that I recommend you free yourself and do yourself a favor. Burn the book that tells you how you should grieve. Don’t answer the phone if it’s someone who keeps telling you how to grieve or how much time you have left.  You don't need that  stress added to your already chaotic life.  You have enough to fight through… listen to your own heart and follow it toward healing yourself and your family. You already know what makes you happy when you are fighting through the darkness.  Choose one of those things that is not self destructive and don’t feel guilty about being happy while you do it!! I learned this lesson the hard way. I had spent the first few months after Mike passed away in a terrible grief stricken condition. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, and I didn’t want to see anyone. I thought that since Mike had passed away that maybe I needed to stop living too. When you are grieving you do stop living for a while. What I soon found out was that if I didn’t take time to  give my mind a rest from the heaviness I could not begin to heal. One sleepless night I couldn’t sleep so I started my normal roaming around the house routine. If I stayed in bed too long  it would became a pity party. When I did get up I would run out of energy very quickly.  I wasn't sure what to do during those long dark nights.   I found myself just trying to make it through one more long night…. Which became one longer week…which became one longer month… and so on...
There was one morning when I checked my face book page to see if the world was still moving on without me. I was angry that people around me were still living their lives. Shouldn’t everyone just stop what they’re doing ?  Mike had died! How could they just keep living?.. When you are grieving, you are hurting so much that you can’t understand how people who love you can move on in just a few weeks.  They still try to help you and mourn with you but they have to move on with their lives.  I’ve heard several people tell me they felt the same way when they went through losing a child or a parent. I kept scrolling through the pages looking for something uplifting for the day… Not too far into my scrolling I ran across a post by our 13 yr old daughter. It had a picture of a milk jug and a water bottle sitting on the island in the kitchen.


 The milk lid was on top of the water bottle.


 It said, “You know your mom is not getting enough sleep when you wake up to this! Lol”   I was mortified for a split second but then I just started to laugh. I couldn’t believe I had done something so silly, but it took the pain away for a few moments. For a few seconds I didn’t obsess about my life without Mike. I was thinking about how lucky I was to have a daughter who could see some humor during the storm we were in. She knew that this would make me smile and my kids were wanting so much to see their mom smile again.




 About 2 months after Mike passed away I had another smile brought to my face. Both girls were having their birthdays that week and it would be another first without Mike. I didn’t know how I was going to get through singing happy birthday without him there. How was I going to fake being happy and making it a fun and special day for them? I had purchased some miniature water bottles for the party and had left them sitting on the kitchen counter. I proceeded to go outside to do some work in the garage.  I needed to try to relieve some stress with some sort of physical labor. I had been working out there for about an hour when I walked back into the kitchen to see if our 7 yr old daughter had completed her homework.  There on the bar were the bunch of miniature water bottles all in a straight line.
 Where once they had said" Spring Water"… now they had a different logo. Our daughter had crossed out the spring on every bottle and wrote" Fall Water."
    I was so amused. I started laughing…really laughing. We would not be drinking Spring Water in October at this birthday party…we would be drinking Fall Water!!




 Around Christmas time our son’s wisdom teeth started hurting him. We went to the dentist and were told they needed to be removed. He had already been injured a few weeks before in a basketball game and had a separated ac joint in his shoulder. The kid was having a rough year to say the least. Once the wisdom teeth were removed we were sitting in the recovery room waiting for the anesthesia to wear off. Our otherwise quiet son began spilling his guts about some very crazy things he had done in his childhood. Things I had never heard before or been aware of. He talked about jumping into the swamp waters in Florida with his brother and uncle and having to scramble out because the gators were coming after them. With his mouth full of bloody gauze he tried to clap his hands and arms together to make them imitate a gators mouth. He couldn’t get that gator's mouth to line up because he had no coordination.  He did this for several minutes.   I will never forget how hard my mom and I laughed at that kid that day. He told my mom to look at how beautiful his momma was over and over. It was only a few minutes of relief, but it was what I needed to keep going.   For Christmas he still couldn’t eat so he threw all of his dinner in a blender and drank it… I was so grossed out but that is how important Christmas dinner is to a teenage boy






There are times when you are grieving that you have no idea what you put on to wear that day. You could really care less because just getting your children to school is a major accomplishment. There were days when I would wear my shirt inside out all day and nobody dared tell me because they thought  it might push me over the edge. Grieving is scary and intimidating to  people.  They don't know what to say to you or what not to say to you.  They are afraid at any given moment you could go on a rampage and go completely crazy. When you are grieving your mind is in such a blur that you may feel like you are losing it. You leave keys in doors, you put the chips in the fridge, you call people in your family the wrong names, and you can’t remember any of your 100 passwords to all of your accounts. Sometimes these things make you cry in frustration, but sometimes all you can do is laugh. I was 39 years old and couldn’t remember how to spell my name for months. My kids would tell me they were going out and when they got back I would be so upset at them for not telling me where they had been. People around you will be scared for your well being and will start to tell you that you may need to go to the doctor and get help. They start calling to remind you that you are a mother and that you have children that you need to pick up at 3 :00.   Your son goes on a high school basketball bus trip and you don’t realize it’s an away game until you get to his empty high school parking lot. It sounds so crazy, but your body reacts to grieving in such a strange way... You have to laugh sometimes. I promise it will get better and your mind will get clearer someday again. I’m going on 8 months today and I just started being able to read a magazine and retain something from it. It’s frustrating and nobody understands so just nod your head and smile at people.









  One day I was simply miserable.  I was in the kitchen cleaning up after breakfast wondering what I was going to do to get through the day this time.  I looked out the window and what did I see?  A dirty orange sock hanging in the tree.  How can you not smile at that.  At least the kid hung it on a tree limb so it wouldn’t get ruined.  That was a moment I had to smile.
  It’s not every day you see a sock tree!!




  




  2 months after her dad passed away our daughter was preparing to be baptized. My husband  had been talking to her about this important day in her life.  The day she would choose to follow Jesus Christ. She was so excited for her daddy to baptize her but he left this life a little too early. One night, just out of the blue, she asked our son Colton if he could be her fake dad and baptize her. Kids are so funny the way they handle trials and storms. Her dad could not be there so she was going to improvise and have her brother replace him. It sounded quite brutal, but kids don’t try to be fake…they are very real. We went to the beach a few weeks before her baptism to take some pics for her invitations. Our older daughter loves to do photography so she started taking her different places on the beach and directing her on how to pose for the camera.   I was kind of just letting them do whatever and hoping something turned out good. When we got home to preview what she had taken there were some interesting baptism pics on that camera. We hooked it up to the TV so we could see them clearly and the show began. Half way into some beautiful pics the attitude , "I’m done!" started coming across the screen. You could tell that big sister was trying to get little sister to cooperate and it was becoming quite a frustrating ordeal.




.           You could see the rebellion in this future follower of Christ…










   She was done having her big sister tell her what to do. I didn’t laugh in front of her then, but I did consider using one of those pics to black mail her with someday. It made me smile to know that some things were still very normal in our family.










  Love notes that bring smiles are everywhere… Your situation may not be humorous in the least bit. It may consume you with a torturous pain that you never knew a person could experience. It may turn you temporarily from the fun loving person you were before to a very solemn soul that is just trying to survive while the waves of your storm keep crashing against you.. People may not think you are being serious enough if you let yourself smile.. They will judge you when you don’t smile and they will judge you when you do. It doesn’t matter. This is your journey…not theirs. You know what it that can bring a smile to your face. You know where to find joy when you have had enough of the pain.  It may be watching a sunset by a lake. It may be spending time with a pet that loves you unconditionally.  It may be just reading a book with a toddler, or watching a rerun of Seinfeld.    Heavenly Father wants you to be happy. He knows that sometimes it takes a lot of time to feel happy again but he never wishes for you to remain miserable for the rest of your life. I am convinced that the person you have lost in your life wants you to be happy too. They know that it may only be very small moments when you feel a sense of joy at first… but someday you will be able to laugh without trying. Someday you will be able to laugh without feeling guilty.




 Smiles in the storms are o.k.… God wants you to have those Love notes in your life. You are his child. He loves you.