Love Notes…I Am Not Alone!

  When you lose a spouse to death you find out what true loneliness really feels like. It’s such a hollow empty feeling. You can’t understand how you can be completely surrounded by so many people who care for you and still feel like you are all alone. For years you have been one half of a couple who together made everything feel like one whole person. You don’t want to feel that way. There are so many times you just stay away from any and every situation that screams, “I am alone!!” If you do go out into a social setting you try to fit in with the group of people you are with…but there is no perfect fit without your spouse… You don’t know where you fit anymore… There is no fit…
 I found this to be one of the hardest parts of losing Mike. Once we were known as Mike and Heide…now I was known as Heide, without Mike.

  



This changes the dynamics for anyone that knows me. We had been married for 20 years. Once we had couple friends we went out with or visited on vacations. Now I am still dearly loved by them, but I feel like I am the elephant in the room intruding into the lives of the married world…a place that is not mine anymore. Some of them don’t invite me to do things with them anymore because it’s just weird…it just doesn’t work. You can’t have several couples in a restaurant joking around with their spouses and talking about past memories while one sits there quietly and plays with her straw. Every time someone is around you they see your deceased spouse. It’s not the case with just friends…it’s family…..it’s school activities …it’s people from church. It is very uncomfortable for them and it’s just plain awkward. People hurt for you and try their best to include you and make you feel included, but it doesn’t change the reality that inside you are still alone.


I don’t think that until Mike passed away I have ever felt alone very often. I grew up as the oldest of 8 children in a home full of noisy, busy activities. In high school I had great friends and lived in a small community that had known and loved me since the time I was born. I have never lived by myself without college roommates or children to fill that need. You could say that I have been so blessed to have had a life without very much loneliness.  It certainly wasn't the type of gut wrenching loneliness that comes with grieving for the other half of me...my husband.


The last 9 months have been a tremendous growth opportunity for me. I have had to reach out to others when I have needed help. I have had to actually call people who love me when I can’t take the pain anymore. It is so hard for me to ask for help from others without feeling like I am burdening them. Where once, not too long ago in my life, I could pretend everything was great…now I choose to be vulnerable and let others see my pain and weakness. I can’t hide my reality from those around me. My pride has been taken down quite a few notches and I now have started to realize that only I, myself, a long with my Savior, can fill the void that loneliness leaves me.

 It is not anyone else’s duty to make me feel better during this trial. They have their own path to go through. They may choose to be in my life right now and mourn with me as true friends, but ultimately it’s not their responsibility to make it all better for me. As much as I try to explain what our family is going through right now, it is impossible for them to know exactly what we are living. They have their own individual struggles... No one understands my journey right now. No one knows my pain. No one gets it… No one but my Savior…


I have to find my own Love Notes, tender mercies from God, to keep me going during this time of loneliness…

Mike and I had a great marriage. It was far from perfect, just like every marriage is, but it was real and it was ours. While some may say they’ve had rough days in their marriage, Mike and I would tell you we’ve had some rough days too, and some really rough years. Even with all we have been blessed with, we have gone through some difficult and faith trying events in the last 7 years. I would call us survivors...but not always thrivers.

In the last few years we have built a home…right before the economy crashed, been slammed with hospital and medical bills that wanted to ruin us, went through all of our life savings to attempt to pay them, and tested the waters of unemployed for 18 months straight at one time

. We have learned how to live off of peanut butter on toast for breakfast, explored the world of network marketing because of unemployment, and been blessed with a sweet baby girl while in the process of building a home.
     


  Mike has had 2 heart attacks with 7 stents put in his arteries at 4 different surgery times..., and suffered from medication side effects, depression. and exhaustion that he hid from everyone for years.


  This pic is one we took together right after we had flown to see a doctor in California.  He was one of the best and has seen thousands of heart and diabetic patients. It was our last resort to see if we could slow his disease down.  It was the last time we would have a chance to search for answers. It was the last time we would ever spend time just as a couple on a weekend.

 

. During all of this time our family watched helplessly as their mother and wife developed some strange hives that covered her whole entire body for 10 months without subsiding. Mike and I spent thousands of dollars with specialists trying to get some answers and some relief. My whole body and face would swell so much that we would have to go to the hospitals and get steroid injections to control it. We never got an answer…they just disappeared one day. To this day I think it was the tremendous stress we were under.


Four months before Mike passed away we sent off our oldest child on a mission for the Lord for 2 years because he has the desire to share the gospel with others. It was one of the hardest days I've ever watched Mike go through.  He was so proud of him, but giving up one of his best friends for a few years.


Just recently I have looked back at these difficult experiences and how they were preparing us…making us stronger…bringing us closer as a family even in times that seemed unbearable we endured it…we survived it. We will survive this one too...one hour at a time.

 My perspective of trials has changed through this latest experience. Not one of those hardships was in vain!


As strange as it sounds, every one of those experiences were Love notes to teach me more about myself. Every trial leading up to the death of my husband was preparing me to face my worst nightmare.


I learned about patience when those hives covered my entire body and I could get no relief from the pain. I had to wait until they were gone…I had to develop faith that they would leave me.
I learned about thriftiness when we went through an unemployed time period. During that time of unemployment Mikes heart medication alone cost anywhere from $400 dollars and up without insurance that we had lost along with his job.

 The kids learned to be happy at home without being involved in everything under the sun. They learned to be creative and play outside…it didn’t hurt them at all. They became better friends because they were home as a family.
This is a rare Florida freeze where dad turned the sprinklers on so they could experience the world of ice!

 


  I learned that a sweet baby can be sent at the most inconvenient time to bring hope and laughter to a family…even if it’s while you are building a house…

 I learned what compromise is while building a home with Mike. Those kitchen cabinets were his choice, not mine... but now I love them.
    I learned that man can survive on peanut butter and bread alone for breakfast…


   
    I learned how the human heart works and about the anatomy of the body, how to place the IV so it stops beeping, and what to eat in a hospital cafeteria that won’t kill you. I learned to hate heart disease but be grateful for advances in modern medicine.


I learned how to sell a health product to total strangers so we could have peanut butter on our toast.

  I learned that during times of gloominess and depression, Star Wars can last for days… Harry Potter can last for months, and the 24 series on Netflix can be date night when the one you love doesn’t feel well enough to do anything else.


I learned how much my husband loved his family and continued to go to work every day until the day he passed away to provide for our family.

 I learned that children are strong and can do unbelievable things when both parents are not at their best. They can contribute to the family’s happiness in so many wonderful ways.


 I am now going through another learning stage…a much much harder one but one that has taught me more about myself and my life than all of the other trials put together.


  I just went through my first Mother’s Day without Mike.  It was extremely painful as the mother of his children but I am so blessed even while I am fighting every day to push myself out of bed and take care of these beautiful kids.  We will survive this…one way or another…    



In a sense, as painful as it is to go through this, I have never felt more spiritual growth inside of me. If I am to make it through each and every day I have to be on my knees in prayer. I am not strong enough to stand.


 I’ve had so many tell me that my faith is so unbelievable, but I think I’m just like everyone else. I have had the same choice to react to my circumstances just like everyone else has. Sometimes I react in anger and bitterness…other times I try to be humble and teachable. I have been put in many situations that required faith before and those baby steps have been there to help me through this next mountain in my journey.


My Heavenly Father has never forsaken me through any of those hardships. At times when I was feeling like I was defeated and that my life was totally not worth living were always during times when I had pulled away from the one who loves and knows me the best. I was trying to rely on my own strength to conquer those battles and running around in circles getting nowhere. I am human and still forget all the time that he is my strength…not me


. He has sent me love notes throughout my whole life, and it is just in the last year that I finally “get it”... I am finally humble enough for a moment to see that they are there. He loves me…he is molding me…he is helping me grow. It is painful…It is agonizing at times, but it is called growth and growth hurts!


Look at your life right now. What are the difficult things you are going through? What can this teach you? Will you let it…or will you fight it?


I have fought it for years but this time...I have no fight left inside of me. I am beyond exhausted emotionally and physically. I have had to become submissive. My life is in his hands now. I am trying with all I have inside of my soul to trust in his plan for me.


I know that he is sending me Love notes every single day, but it is my choice to accept them or keep struggling by myself without turning to him for help. I have been on both sides of that fence. I am just now at 40 years old grasping this concept. I get it finally!


The Savior has already suffered for me!  I am not alone!!


He is with me all of the time. As bad as it tears me apart inside, everyday he wants to bring me relief if I will just let him in... He loves me and you that much. I know what darkness feels like. I know what despair is. I know that the Savior has never left my side.  He has been there for me through all of the screaming, the anger, and the times I cannot breathe from all of the pain.  I also know what the light feels like.  I know that I can find peace in the middle of my storm. Every time I recognize a tender mercy, a love note from my Heavenly Father I am showered with some ray of light to give me the strength I need to keep moving forward and trusting him. The more I recognize his hand in my life, the more I see his love for me.



 I know that life will never be the same...  I will never be the same person again...My perspective on life has changed dramatically.  Grief teaches you to feel deeply. It changes you into a person that wants to be around people who "'Get It"   You see others who have gone through major battles and have come out as inspiring and thriving individuals. You want to learn from them...you want to know what made them into the person they are today.  You want to come out the victor...not the victim.


. I know that I may continue to struggle and lose faith at times.  I know that I will continue having a hole in my heart for Mike for the rest of my life, but I also know Mike would want me to find peace and a way to help others through with their struggles.  I am not alone... The Savior will never leave my side.


Love Notes from God are real…

Love Notes…From Sacrifice

Love notes, tender mercies, can be hard to recognize when we have lost someone who is very dear to us, especially when we are later made aware that our life's journey brings with it numerous more challenges.  Several of those challenges will require sacrifices on our part.  When you lose someone you love to death, you feel like it is a sacrifice in so many ways. It's not a sacrifice that you have chosen to give freely, but it still feels like you are giving away something that is part of yourself, even something that defines you as a person.  Nothing in your life is ever the same.  Nothing in life is normal again.  You have to create a new normal.







  When Mike passed away I felt like it was a huge sacrifice.  I had lost my husband of 20 years right smack in the prime of our lives.  Our four children would grow up without their father to guide them. I believe God needs Mike but it is so difficult to understand why he needs him more than we do right now.  I have tried so hard to build my faith and keep my hope alive that someday I will be able to see the bigger picture. I have had several conversations with others confiding in me that they can't understand why this is happening to our family.  How can God allow this to happen to our family?  The only answer I have for them is that our ways are not God's ways...  We have to trust that he knows what is best.




 The events that happened the week of Mike's death were such a testimony to me that it was really his time to go.  There were signs everywhere that cannot be explained in any other way. I am so grateful for the peace this brings me at times when I feel like I cannot live for one more day.   I pray that in the future the sacrifices we have made as a family here on earth will be very minor compared to what God is using Mike to accomplish.






   There may be times in our lives when we need to sacrifice something or someone we love even temporarily for the benefit of others who need their help. You might be a parent who has to sacrifice time with your family because you are working two jobs just to be able put food on the table. You may be sacrificing something you love now for something you know is more important. You may have a child or husband serving in the military for our country. If so, you have probably spent months and possibly years waiting and hoping for their safe return. You know what it’s like to raise your children alone. You know what it is like to give selflessly to others without receiving any promise of a reward or their safe return. Some people have even sacrificed their own or their loved one’s lives just for us to have our freedom. Hopefully we are aware of those sacrifices and are grateful for them.







 When Mike passed away one of the first things I thought was, “Well Heavenly Father, if you’re going to take him this early you better make my life extremely easy from here on out!!” I know that was probably very prideful and selfish, but I felt like this was enough pain and sacrifice for me to go through in this lifetime. That isn't how it works.  I’m not the one that decides when I’ve gone through my fair share of trials.







 I have spoken to several people who have survived cancer, lost children to death, and gone through many other major storms in their lives.  The ones who refuse to be victims have one thing in common.  They all believe in a bigger power than themselves and they just keep putting one foot in front of the other every single day. There is no such thing as quitting for people who know what real trials are. They understand that in order to survive or even thrive,  they have to seek out their love notes and find good in the world and in their pain. They understand that throwing in the towel just draws out the process longer and makes them more bitter and more miserable. We don’t get to choose what happens to us, or how much we can take…we only get to choose how we react. We are not in control…God is… We are only in control of our choices and attitudes.







 Right now my sacrifice is letting go of half of our family members to serve the Lord all at once…one who has left this earth recently to be with the Savior... and two others who have both committed to serve up to two years serving missions and sharing the gospel of Jesus Christ… Within one year three out of six of our family members will be gone.






 








    Where once there were three handsome, strong, and of course somewhat annoying men at our table…now there will only be the girls and myself. The dining room table that once was full of six noisy happy people sharing their day and fighting over the last bread roll is almost instantly becoming very bare and quiet.






 





I would have never known life could change so fast for us. I now know how very important it is to have dinner together as a family.  That is part of the Love notes that some of us are blessed to receive in life.  Eating by yourself is a very lonely and empty feeling.  Families are so important for society and for happiness in this life.  It's not always easy to live together and get along, but God knew what he was doing when he designed the family.








 Since the time our boys were toddlers we have hoped and prayed that our children would serve missions. We’ve prayed that they would have the desire to give unselfishly and take time in their lives to see what is really important. Growing up they raised animals for the fair to show and earn money to put into their mission accounts. We talked about it all of the time. It's crazy how fast they grow up to reach their dreams.




  Mike had been a missionary in Asuncion Paraguay when he was 19.






 









His mission was a big part of developing his love for the Savior and people of all cultures. He had such tender feelings for the people in South America. He was amazed at their strength and the joy
they possessed while living in such humble living conditions.










  







  He loved how they clung to the gospel of Jesus Christ and didn’t take their lives for granted. He went without the conveniences of his comfortable life in the United States for two years and would tell us frequently how we have so much compared to those who have so little in so many countries. Those two years were what he called the best, but hardest, two years of his life. He learned how to rely on his Heavenly Father to help him through difficult times and sickness. He learned what it felt like to be rejected, persecuted, and loved for his beliefs.









 







  Through the service of the Lord and his children, Mike found himself.











Even though I know that our sons are making praiseworthy choices, the last two weeks have weighed very heavily on me and have been extremely difficult. As an imperfect woman, my faith has been tested and I am starting to feel the heavy burden of not only grieving over the loss of my husband, but also letting the Lord borrow both of our sons to further the work of Jesus Christ and his teachings. I have had a very hard time focusing on daily tasks and concentrating on all that needs to be done to prepare. I have been feeling discouraged and have had to try extra hard to put a smile on my face. As I’ve contemplated my circumstance I feel overwhelmed with the challenge in front of me and our two daughters who will be home with me. It was their choice to go on these missions but until recently I still saw it as borrowing them out.





I have been in a funk of sorts, just trying to understand why and how much the Lord really expects of me and why all at once. Why does he need them all at once while I am going through so much suffering and pain??  Yes, I am elated that both sons have the desire to serve missions, but why couldn’t he have left Mike here with me just for the next few years? Just sending our first missionary out was so difficult and that was when Mike was still with me to put his arms around me and hold me.. the tender hearted mother of a missionary...







 One night I was having a normal night of restlessness that seems to happen all too frequently in the last several months. The message I received that night was very clear. I wasn’t borrowing our sons to the Lord. Our sons are really his children! Everything I have been given is the Lords! I am actually the one borrowing these stalwart young men from him. He has given us two awesome sons who could not be any different from each other in personality, but are becoming what I had always hoped they would. They are far from perfect, but they have the desire to serve other people. As hard as it would be for me…it was a Love note just knowing that I had been given sons who had faith in God.







 Yes, I am going to have to be strong… Yes it will be just be me and our daughters now, but this is happening because the Lord thinks I am strong enough to do this. He knows me so much better than I know myself. He knew all of this would happen before it ever did. He knew I would struggle and question him and try to understand how I would ever get through this. He also knew that by relying on him instead of them as my strength, my faith would grow and I would become what he wanted me to become. He is going to have to be my strength for me to get through this.








I have always believed that God takes the good ones early. Since Mike passed away I have wondered if he’s doing missionary work once again. Why wouldn’t he be? Heavenly Father’s children are all the same. One is not any more important than the other. He loves us all the same perfectly. Why wouldn’t he give those who hadn’t had a chance to learn about him the same opportunity when they passed away as he has given everyone else?




 The day of Mike’s funeral I had several people come up to me and tell me that at times in their lives when they had decided to go back to church again, Mike was always the first one to hug them and shake their hand. It didn’t matter if it had been 5 years or if they were just there because it was Easter or Christmas…he didn’t judge them. I don’t think a wife would want to hear anything greater than that about her husband. I had been married to him for 20 years and had not known that people had recognized the love my husband had for them. Mike was not the most social, outgoing person but he reached out to others when it mattered. He understood that no one person is better than anyone else in the Lord’s eyes. We are all growing at different rates as individuals and we all have our agency to choose to come toward God or continue pushing him away. It’s all up to us.







 The closer we come to him, the more we will begin to see his love notes for us. We will begin to see that they were there all along…even when we felt like we had been abandoned and forsaken.


Our son, who is serving in the Provo Spanish mission, has met several people who have lost their husbands or fathers early to death. Because of his knowledge, he has been able to introduce them to the plan of happiness and let them know that they can be with them again someday. He had been gone only 4 months when his father passed away. He chose not to come home for the funeral because he knew his dad would want him to stay in the mission field.  He knew his dad well enough to know that Mike did not like attention focused on him.   It has not been easy for him to grieve over the loss of his father while trying to teach people about Jesus Christ. There have been times when he almost decided to come home, but then changed his mind because he felt stronger. I know that it is because of the prayers of so many people of faith that he has been strengthened and has been able to serve this long.




 He has helped others come onto Christ because they are inspired by his faith during the storm. They in return have shown him the love he needs to keep serving through this loss.

There have been so many who have loved our son and sent him letters and pkgs while he is away. I feel like I will never be able to thank them enough.


 One of the hardest parts of Mike passing away was not being able to hold my son in my arms and comfort him because he wasn’t here. That was a time when I pleaded with God to comfort him and hold him in his arms if I couldn’t. I know that he heard those prayers because miracles have happened in our son’s life.







 I recently received this picture of him with a sweet baby that he was privileged to bless in Spanish.






 







  He wrote me a letter reminding me of a quote by one of the church leaders saying that we are not earthly beings having spiritual experiences; we are spiritual beings having earthly experiences. Wow, that puts into perspective doesn’t it?








Our missionary who is leaving our home in the next few months is the son who was playing basketball with his dad at the time of his death. He has made it through his senior year but it has been full of struggles. He has had numerous nightmares and flashbacks of that horrible night. He has been in counseling and has learned to cope with the images he carries with him. Through many prayers he has been able to keep going to school and getting good grades. I truly believe that God can heal anything if we have faith in him. He will be going to Argentina in a few months for 2 years.






 






 I have spoken to him several times asking him if he feels that he is really ready emotionally to leave yet. He always replies, “Mom how can I not go right now? People need to know they can be with their families forever even after they die. They need to know Heavenly Father loves them.” How do you argue with that?








Yes, this will most definitely be a time of sacrifice for me. I could ask them not to go and stay with me, but what if there are people out there searching for something more to add to their lives? What if there are people who need to know that there is a God that loves them and that is kind and merciful? What if there are people who have lost family members to death and have no hope that they will ever be reunited? I couldn’t even imagine the despair that would bring to not know…







When our youngest daughter was in first grade she told a boy in her class that he was a child of God and that he was important. She came home crying because he didn’t believe her. She said, “Mom, he just laughed and told me I didn’t know that” Then she looked at me with tears in her eyes and held my face in her hands. “Mom he really is a child of God isn’t he??"  She was so crushed that he hadn’t believed her. She wanted so  badly to make him believe and let him know that God loved him just as much as her. When she couldn’t force him to do that she became so upset. I explained to her that everyone has their choices and their own agency to believe what they want, but maybe someday he would find out that he was a child of a loving God. I was proud of her courage, but crushed by her little disappointed face and tears of empathy.







 Wouldn’t it be awesome if everyone knew that they were a child of God and that he loved them no matter what? Wouldn’t that change the world to know that they had value as more than just a number on earth but that there was a God in Heaven who had a plan for their life and that they had a purpose. Imagine the change for good in this world if everyone could accept that gift. Imagine if everyone knew that they were of the same worth as those around them no matter what.








I heard a story once where a 20 dollar bill was held in the air by a teacher and the students were asked how much it was worth.  They all said it was worth what it said... it was worth...20 dollars.  The teacher then asked the students to pass it around the classroom.  They were told they could crumple it, step on it, wad it up; just about anything they wanted too. Of course this was fun for them so they all took turns trying to disfigure and tarnish this 20 dollar bill.   After the bill had gone around the room the teacher  held it up in the air and asked them how much that bill was worth now.






 








The kids looked at the bill that was battered and crumpled and all gave the same answer. That 20 dollars was still worth 20 dollars no matter what it had gone through. It didn’t matter what it had been through or where it had been.







I have decided that this life is really not just about us. Of course it is a time of growth and time to have fun and to become, but how we become is to lose ourselves in the service of others. When we think about it with a different perspective we don’t stay in our pity party very long. We realize the there is something more to life than the latest cell phone, nice cars, designer clothing, and entertainment. While there is nothing wrong with those things, they don’t bring the joy that you can get when you help someone else. When you are in the service of your fellow being you are only in the service of your God







When Mike first passed away I saw a lot of people sacrifice for our family. We were given generous donations from people that I knew didn’t have that money to give us. We were brought so much food there was not enough room to put it in the house. We had a benefit organized for us where others contributed their time, energy, and whole hearts just for our family. Some of them didn’t even know Mike, but they were just those kinds of people. They were people who thought more about others than themselves.  Our daughter is a barrel racer and was a part of this club who helped us. Since Mike's death she has been able to participate with this club honoring her father and the veterans in the military.  I will forever be grateful to all of them. I am very aware of who they are and I hope that I can return the kindness someday. People who serve others are happy people. They don’t have time to waste feeling sorry for themselves. They have a sense of worth and a sense of value because they find themselves while serving others. They are grateful people because they have sacrificed and helped someone in need. Their lives have meaning. I have no doubt they are blessed for their service.







 The people that sacrificed and served our family throughout this hard time will never know how much our family has needed their love.  My children can tell you to this day who it was that came to our house, gave them hugs,  or volunteered at a bake sale for 5 hours raising money for our family. They can give you the names of those who checked on them at school every day for the last several months.   They will tell you who was with their brother on his mission when he was told his father had passed away. They will tell you who brought them a box of sunshine full of everything yellow and happy. They have observed it all and they now know that there are good people out there. As a mother of four children who have gone through so much agony and suffering, I can tell you the names of those who filled in for me at times when I could not function or had nothing left to give.







I sometimes wonder why there are some people who would sacrifice everything to help others. I wonder if it’s because they have been on the side of pain and suffering. Maybe they were raised by good parents who taught them how to love and serve others. Maybe their home life was terrible growing up so they have vowed to make this world a better place. Maybe they just know that everyone is of worth even if they don’t know them personally. Whatever it is, I’m so thankful to those who have sacrificed so much for our family in the last 9 months. We have been reminded through your deeds what true Christ like charity is.






  I guess when we feel like we are required to sacrifice too much of what we love, maybe we should ask ourselves who really sacrificed the most.  God sacrificed his only begotten son for us.







 







  When life seems unbearable remember that the Savior has already taken our sins and pain upon himself for us.  It may be extremely difficult and excruciating at times, but imagine what life would be without this gift for us.  What an awesome love note!  He loves us and knows that we are worth whatever it takes to be resurrected and live with him again.




 My sacrifices are hard and very real to me, but in the big picture they are nothing compared to what he went through for me. He suffered more for me and you than we can even begin to comprehend.  He didn't do it because he had too.  He chose to do that because he loves us that much!  He knows we are human, he knows we are sinners, but he loves us unconditionally.




 We are God’s children.  He knows our name.  Love notes from God are real...