Love Notes…I Am Not Alone!

  When you lose a spouse to death you find out what true loneliness really feels like. It’s such a hollow empty feeling. You can’t understand how you can be completely surrounded by so many people who care for you and still feel like you are all alone. For years you have been one half of a couple who together made everything feel like one whole person. You don’t want to feel that way. There are so many times you just stay away from any and every situation that screams, “I am alone!!” If you do go out into a social setting you try to fit in with the group of people you are with…but there is no perfect fit without your spouse… You don’t know where you fit anymore… There is no fit…
 I found this to be one of the hardest parts of losing Mike. Once we were known as Mike and Heide…now I was known as Heide, without Mike.

  



This changes the dynamics for anyone that knows me. We had been married for 20 years. Once we had couple friends we went out with or visited on vacations. Now I am still dearly loved by them, but I feel like I am the elephant in the room intruding into the lives of the married world…a place that is not mine anymore. Some of them don’t invite me to do things with them anymore because it’s just weird…it just doesn’t work. You can’t have several couples in a restaurant joking around with their spouses and talking about past memories while one sits there quietly and plays with her straw. Every time someone is around you they see your deceased spouse. It’s not the case with just friends…it’s family…..it’s school activities …it’s people from church. It is very uncomfortable for them and it’s just plain awkward. People hurt for you and try their best to include you and make you feel included, but it doesn’t change the reality that inside you are still alone.


I don’t think that until Mike passed away I have ever felt alone very often. I grew up as the oldest of 8 children in a home full of noisy, busy activities. In high school I had great friends and lived in a small community that had known and loved me since the time I was born. I have never lived by myself without college roommates or children to fill that need. You could say that I have been so blessed to have had a life without very much loneliness.  It certainly wasn't the type of gut wrenching loneliness that comes with grieving for the other half of me...my husband.


The last 9 months have been a tremendous growth opportunity for me. I have had to reach out to others when I have needed help. I have had to actually call people who love me when I can’t take the pain anymore. It is so hard for me to ask for help from others without feeling like I am burdening them. Where once, not too long ago in my life, I could pretend everything was great…now I choose to be vulnerable and let others see my pain and weakness. I can’t hide my reality from those around me. My pride has been taken down quite a few notches and I now have started to realize that only I, myself, a long with my Savior, can fill the void that loneliness leaves me.

 It is not anyone else’s duty to make me feel better during this trial. They have their own path to go through. They may choose to be in my life right now and mourn with me as true friends, but ultimately it’s not their responsibility to make it all better for me. As much as I try to explain what our family is going through right now, it is impossible for them to know exactly what we are living. They have their own individual struggles... No one understands my journey right now. No one knows my pain. No one gets it… No one but my Savior…


I have to find my own Love Notes, tender mercies from God, to keep me going during this time of loneliness…

Mike and I had a great marriage. It was far from perfect, just like every marriage is, but it was real and it was ours. While some may say they’ve had rough days in their marriage, Mike and I would tell you we’ve had some rough days too, and some really rough years. Even with all we have been blessed with, we have gone through some difficult and faith trying events in the last 7 years. I would call us survivors...but not always thrivers.

In the last few years we have built a home…right before the economy crashed, been slammed with hospital and medical bills that wanted to ruin us, went through all of our life savings to attempt to pay them, and tested the waters of unemployed for 18 months straight at one time

. We have learned how to live off of peanut butter on toast for breakfast, explored the world of network marketing because of unemployment, and been blessed with a sweet baby girl while in the process of building a home.
     


  Mike has had 2 heart attacks with 7 stents put in his arteries at 4 different surgery times..., and suffered from medication side effects, depression. and exhaustion that he hid from everyone for years.


  This pic is one we took together right after we had flown to see a doctor in California.  He was one of the best and has seen thousands of heart and diabetic patients. It was our last resort to see if we could slow his disease down.  It was the last time we would have a chance to search for answers. It was the last time we would ever spend time just as a couple on a weekend.

 

. During all of this time our family watched helplessly as their mother and wife developed some strange hives that covered her whole entire body for 10 months without subsiding. Mike and I spent thousands of dollars with specialists trying to get some answers and some relief. My whole body and face would swell so much that we would have to go to the hospitals and get steroid injections to control it. We never got an answer…they just disappeared one day. To this day I think it was the tremendous stress we were under.


Four months before Mike passed away we sent off our oldest child on a mission for the Lord for 2 years because he has the desire to share the gospel with others. It was one of the hardest days I've ever watched Mike go through.  He was so proud of him, but giving up one of his best friends for a few years.


Just recently I have looked back at these difficult experiences and how they were preparing us…making us stronger…bringing us closer as a family even in times that seemed unbearable we endured it…we survived it. We will survive this one too...one hour at a time.

 My perspective of trials has changed through this latest experience. Not one of those hardships was in vain!


As strange as it sounds, every one of those experiences were Love notes to teach me more about myself. Every trial leading up to the death of my husband was preparing me to face my worst nightmare.


I learned about patience when those hives covered my entire body and I could get no relief from the pain. I had to wait until they were gone…I had to develop faith that they would leave me.
I learned about thriftiness when we went through an unemployed time period. During that time of unemployment Mikes heart medication alone cost anywhere from $400 dollars and up without insurance that we had lost along with his job.

 The kids learned to be happy at home without being involved in everything under the sun. They learned to be creative and play outside…it didn’t hurt them at all. They became better friends because they were home as a family.
This is a rare Florida freeze where dad turned the sprinklers on so they could experience the world of ice!

 


  I learned that a sweet baby can be sent at the most inconvenient time to bring hope and laughter to a family…even if it’s while you are building a house…

 I learned what compromise is while building a home with Mike. Those kitchen cabinets were his choice, not mine... but now I love them.
    I learned that man can survive on peanut butter and bread alone for breakfast…


   
    I learned how the human heart works and about the anatomy of the body, how to place the IV so it stops beeping, and what to eat in a hospital cafeteria that won’t kill you. I learned to hate heart disease but be grateful for advances in modern medicine.


I learned how to sell a health product to total strangers so we could have peanut butter on our toast.

  I learned that during times of gloominess and depression, Star Wars can last for days… Harry Potter can last for months, and the 24 series on Netflix can be date night when the one you love doesn’t feel well enough to do anything else.


I learned how much my husband loved his family and continued to go to work every day until the day he passed away to provide for our family.

 I learned that children are strong and can do unbelievable things when both parents are not at their best. They can contribute to the family’s happiness in so many wonderful ways.


 I am now going through another learning stage…a much much harder one but one that has taught me more about myself and my life than all of the other trials put together.


  I just went through my first Mother’s Day without Mike.  It was extremely painful as the mother of his children but I am so blessed even while I am fighting every day to push myself out of bed and take care of these beautiful kids.  We will survive this…one way or another…    



In a sense, as painful as it is to go through this, I have never felt more spiritual growth inside of me. If I am to make it through each and every day I have to be on my knees in prayer. I am not strong enough to stand.


 I’ve had so many tell me that my faith is so unbelievable, but I think I’m just like everyone else. I have had the same choice to react to my circumstances just like everyone else has. Sometimes I react in anger and bitterness…other times I try to be humble and teachable. I have been put in many situations that required faith before and those baby steps have been there to help me through this next mountain in my journey.


My Heavenly Father has never forsaken me through any of those hardships. At times when I was feeling like I was defeated and that my life was totally not worth living were always during times when I had pulled away from the one who loves and knows me the best. I was trying to rely on my own strength to conquer those battles and running around in circles getting nowhere. I am human and still forget all the time that he is my strength…not me


. He has sent me love notes throughout my whole life, and it is just in the last year that I finally “get it”... I am finally humble enough for a moment to see that they are there. He loves me…he is molding me…he is helping me grow. It is painful…It is agonizing at times, but it is called growth and growth hurts!


Look at your life right now. What are the difficult things you are going through? What can this teach you? Will you let it…or will you fight it?


I have fought it for years but this time...I have no fight left inside of me. I am beyond exhausted emotionally and physically. I have had to become submissive. My life is in his hands now. I am trying with all I have inside of my soul to trust in his plan for me.


I know that he is sending me Love notes every single day, but it is my choice to accept them or keep struggling by myself without turning to him for help. I have been on both sides of that fence. I am just now at 40 years old grasping this concept. I get it finally!


The Savior has already suffered for me!  I am not alone!!


He is with me all of the time. As bad as it tears me apart inside, everyday he wants to bring me relief if I will just let him in... He loves me and you that much. I know what darkness feels like. I know what despair is. I know that the Savior has never left my side.  He has been there for me through all of the screaming, the anger, and the times I cannot breathe from all of the pain.  I also know what the light feels like.  I know that I can find peace in the middle of my storm. Every time I recognize a tender mercy, a love note from my Heavenly Father I am showered with some ray of light to give me the strength I need to keep moving forward and trusting him. The more I recognize his hand in my life, the more I see his love for me.



 I know that life will never be the same...  I will never be the same person again...My perspective on life has changed dramatically.  Grief teaches you to feel deeply. It changes you into a person that wants to be around people who "'Get It"   You see others who have gone through major battles and have come out as inspiring and thriving individuals. You want to learn from them...you want to know what made them into the person they are today.  You want to come out the victor...not the victim.


. I know that I may continue to struggle and lose faith at times.  I know that I will continue having a hole in my heart for Mike for the rest of my life, but I also know Mike would want me to find peace and a way to help others through with their struggles.  I am not alone... The Savior will never leave my side.


Love Notes from God are real…