Love notes…Scattered thoughts

 Love notes from God can come from anywhere. They come to us in ways that are very personal and unique to the challenges we are facing in our life. Sometimes Love notes, Tender Mercies, can come from a wide range of scattered deep thoughts that we may have as we are going through the grief process. When you are grieving you have a lot of time to spend contemplating your life because it is very hard to focus on normal everyday activities for more than a few minutes at a time. It’s like you are consumed with the person you miss and you are searching for any sort of peace and comfort to help you get through one more day. You think about the past, the present, and the future. You have so many unanswered questions but have to trust that someday those questions will be answered. Someday the tears that are so unpredictable now will be wiped away and everything that is so confusing will make sense. There are many sleepless nights when you have hours and hours just to spend pondering the whys or the what ifs?  It requires tremendous faith to trust in Heavenly Father’s plan for your life.

 As I have been experiencing all of the deep emotions that grief brings along, I am amazed at the ways in which I am starting to see life so much differently than I ever did before. The problems in my self absorbed world that I thought were so important before now seem to be so shallow. I continually try to see everything in an eternal perspective. To me this life on earth is just an interruption of the life that I hope to have someday with my family that will last forever. This life is a test, a learning experience to see if I will be grateful for what I have been given. I am here to see if I will submit my will to God and become what it is he knows I can become and do what he asks me to do. Finding Love notes during the storms that I face is my way of coping. I have found that gratitude is the true source of happiness. It is not always easy, but it changes your whole perspective of what your life can become if you choose to let it. We are here to have joy even during the difficult parts of our journey.

 There’s a story I heard right after Mike passed away that conveys that there are times when we are too hard on ourselves as children of God. We long to be that perfect person who always has it together. We may be prideful and never want to show the weak part of ourselves to such an unforgiving world. I know that I’ve always wanted to achieve far greater success than what I have. I always seem to be lacking in some area and more often than not I condemn myself for not meeting my own expectations as a human being.

  Last year there was a woman who wrote a blog about this very thing. She decided that she may not be able to be or do all that she thought she should each day, but she could give herself credit for the things she did that made a difference no matter how small. She called her little achievements drops of awesome. She talked about how we should stop trying to be everything and do everything. We should concentrate on putting one small drop of awesome in our bucket at a time and then let our Savior fill the rest of our bucket with the drops we are lacking. I loved this concept! What if we do all that we can do and then let the Savior fill in the rest of the bucket? What if we can only give one drop of awesomeness today but at least it was one drop of awesome!

 Sometimes when you are grieving it feels like you have days where there is not a single drop of awesomeness to be found inside of you. You have to dig really hard to find a drop of awesome to add to your bucket that day. Just getting your kids to school on time may be your only drop of awesome that day. You may have a job that you have to go to while you are still mourning and emotionally unstable, but just getting through your day without falling apart in front of your coworkers is your drop of awesome for that day. You might have bills to pay but you no longer have the same income since your spouse has passed away. Finding the way and the courage to pay one of those bills may be your drop of awesome for that day. There will be days when you want to have the desire to keep putting drops of awesome in that huge bucket but you are exhausted and all you really feel like doing is kicking the bucket across the yard and screaming out whatever comes through your head. You may feel like losing the person you loved is unfair and that it is even more unfair that people still expect you to give them what they need while you are still filled with so much pain and suffering. They want you to be happy because they love and care about you and it hurts them to see you suffering. They want to make it all better for you, but it will never be all better.

What if during those days of suffering the only drop of awesome you can give is to trust. It may be that all you have inside of you is just enough trust in the Savior for him to keep carrying your bucket for you and filling it with drops of awesome that can begin slowly healing your heart day after day. Maybe he’s just waiting for us to turn to him and use the gift of the atonement that he so freely gave to us. He gave it to us because he loved us not because we are deserving or perfect. He gave it to us because he knew that we would not be able to get through this life without this gift.

When Mike passed away there were times when I really felt like my life was over. He was my other half; he was such a huge part of who I was that I didn’t know how I would ever start to begin healing. A few days after he had passed away I remember waking up before the sun came up and feeling an overwhelming feeling to run away from it all. I knew what was coming and I didn’t want to have to face it. I drove out to the beach to have some time to think and some time to let the tears flow without hurting anyone else again through my tears. Grief is such an awkward thing. There are times when you feel like you can’t show your true emotions to those you love because you feel like it just seems to add to the pain that you already see when you look into their eyes. You want to protect them as much as they want to protect you. I remember sitting on the cold, wet sand that early morning watching the waves crash across the beach.






.


 It was overcast and the scene before me resembled just how I felt inside. There was a cool breeze blowing my hair into my face and I could see for miles of endless miles that never seemed to end. I could relate to that on so many levels. It was all just beginning, but I couldn’t see an end in sight. The following day would be the funeral of my 43 year old husband. I was 39 years old and had no idea how to start living again. If I lived to be 85 I would need to come up with something to do for the next 45 years without him in my life. He was my life. I would have to recreate my life. I couldn’t see an end in sight to what I would be facing for the next several years without him. It was all too much to comprehend. It seemed impossible and unfathomable. How was I supposed to do this?






I remember sitting there feeling so numb. I couldn’t cry because it hurt too much to cry. I wanted to lie right there on the beach and stay there until it was all better. I didn’t care if there was more to do to make sure the funeral plans were completed. I didn’t care if I had a dress to wear. Mike wouldn’t see it on me anyway. As I was sitting there feeling these wave of emotions come over me I had the craziest thought come into my head. This thought that came into my mind seemed like such an easy answer in that moment. I knew that my whole family was here in Florida to support me, the funeral was ready for the most part, and the kids were taken care of. I had the crazy, selfish thought that I could get into that suburban and I could drive off forever. I could run away and not deal with what was coming the following day. They could handle it right? I didn’t want to be the widow that I had seen in movies wearing the black dress looking pitiful and so alone. I didn’t want everyone to hurt for me any more than they already had for so many days. If I drove off away from it all it would solve everything. I could change the whole scenario and life would be back to how it was last week. Mike would kiss me goodbye, climb into his white work truck holding his protein shake in one hand and his phone and laptop in the other. He would waive his goofy waive and smile at me as he backed out of the dirt drive way to go grow some beautiful trees and shrubs. I would continue teasing him that he thought he was the best grower in the Garden of Eden.

I remember the sun coming out from behind the clouds at the very moment I was considering this crazy plight. It started shining directly on my face and filled me with an overwhelming light and warmth. It seemed to melt all of the fears and irrational thoughts I was feeling in that moment. I felt a love note sent to wake me out of such a crazy state of mind. I began to feel so much stronger than I had ever felt in my whole life. I knew that I could face tomorrow as a tribute to my husband and the beautiful life that he had led. I got up and dusted the sticky sand off of my body. That day instead of taking the easy way out I drove my old white suburban back to the house Mike and I had built together. This would not be easy, but I had been given some extra strength to help me pull through what was to come. Choosing to go home that day was a drop of awesome for my bucket. It would be the hardest thing I would ever do to watch them lower the casket of my best friend and lover into the ground, but I was going to be there. I was going to be there for Mike and our children. 

The months following his death were unbelievably hard. Each day I would try to find any kind of love note... a tender mercy from God letting me know that he still knew I still existed. There were minutes of peace that I knew came from the Holy Ghost and there were minutes of tremendous suffering. One day I was going through some clothes in my closet and came across a shirt I had bought the summer before. I had bought it thinking that if I wore it when I exercised it would make me want to push myself harder. I had always had the well intentioned desire to run a 5k someday. My desire to do that was sometimes ruled out by my desire to sleep in for just one more hour. The word strength was written across the front. At that moment I didn’t see it as a work out shirt anymore. I knew that this would be the shirt I would wear on days when I would need to find strength... those days when I felt like I couldn’t do what I had to do as a mother of 4 children. I have worn it on several days since Mike passed away. I do not resemble a woman of  physical strength yet I wear it because it gives me strength. I’m sure people think I wear it because I am in denial of my fitness appearance. I’m sure it comes across as quite humorous to some. That is so far from the truth, but I know what it resembles and that’s all that matters. It reminds me about the scripture that Paul talks about. The one that tells us that we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us.

 There comes a point when you are grieving that you stop caring about what others think of you. If you ever been around a person who has gone through some trying circumstances you notice one thing about them. They don’t base their life on what others think of them. They have had to rely on something bigger than themselves to survive something so very difficult. I think of breast cancer survivors I know. Before they had the cancer they were wonderful people, but after they survived the cancer and conquered its ugliness they become different people. They became strong. They found something inside of themselves that they never knew existed because they were put in a circumstance where they had to find it. Sometimes the person with cancer does not survive, but that storm that they fought changed those who were with that person every step of the way. Those people never see life the same again. They realize that having the ones they love with them is a gift and they don’t take life for granted anymore. Grieving for the loss of someone who is a large part of your life is painful, but I could never compare it to that of a cancer survivor. That is one battle I hope I never have to go through.

 I took this picture one day after I had been crying while making a dinner that Mike would never come home to enjoy with us.
 



I took it because this is real. This is what grieving looks like. It’s not pretty. It’s not something that you can control.

 It doesn’t look like the pic I had taken with the girls a few days before to post to the world.   That picture that showed how wonderful and strong I was. It seemed to say, "Look at how strong I am still... even after losing my husband of 20 years less than a year ago!"

 

This is real… this is my battle right now… with God I will get through it.

  I have a dirt road that runs along the side of our home.      
I was walking along it one evening, when I started noticing all of the beautiful wild flowers that were scattered all along the sides of the canal.
 



They weren’t flowers that were planned to be planted in a specific spot. They were growing between fallen limbs, ant piles, and in between slopes on the side of the road that were anything but smooth. They were a little out of place and didn’t quite fit the mold of the perfect flowers in a perfect environment, yet they were still alive. They were still beautiful and they were still thriving even in an unstable environment. There was no guarantee that they would have a wonderful future or that anything would stay the same for them, yet they were in the present moment becoming something beautiful. They were making the most of the situation that they were in at that time in their lives. They were giving something back to the world if it was just standing strong in places where they shouldn’t have been able too. I started thinking about how sometimes our lives are like that. Sometimes we feel more like a wild flower or a weed in life. We have no control of our lives because what has happened yet we can control how we choose to react to our circumstances. We are not sure where we belong or what our purpose is anymore. We start to realize that Heavenly Father is our creator and that he has a plan for us. Our life may not fit the normal mold that we feel it should, but we are still something beautiful in his eyes. We have a purpose and he has a plan for us. That plan may just be to help all of the ugliness that surrounds us appear more beautiful because of our strength during the storms of life. Maybe there are others who we can help because we know what it’s like to go through hard circumstances. Maybe we weren’t meant to be a perfect flower in a perfect world that never learns to grow amid the curve balls life throws us.
 The day after Mike passed away our family was given a gift. A beautiful niece entered the world. Her name is Paisley Raye. She is always smiling and brings joy to everyone around her.




Paisley was born during a week that was full of all kind of deep emotions. One minute we are all feeling the shock of losing one of the most important people
in our lives to death, and the next minute we are trying to feel the joy that comes from a new fresh baby that has been sent from heaven to this world.  It all happened within 24 hours. I remember Mike’s brother coming to our home with tears in his eyes telling me that he knew Mike had been at the birth of this precious baby girl.  He said he remembered feeling like Mike was standing in the room with him as he held his first born.  When I heard him talk about this I knew that there would be no other place Mike would rather be. He had always loved babies. If there was ever one around you could bet he would be holding it, kissing it, and making it smile. It didn’t matter if it was his kid or a stranger's. Mike was love.














 There is a little boy named Carter that used to sit in front of our family in church. He and Mike connected from the very start of his life.



They had a bond that was very evident. Almost every week Mike would lean across the bench and grab him to sit him on his lap, play with him, and talk to him.  He always brought a smile to Mike's face.  When Mike passed away Carter's parents brought him to the viewing and the funeral so that he could say goodbye to Mike and learn about the resurrection.  He wanted to know where Mike had gone.  There were times before Mike passed away that we would talk about how Carter seemed to be so wise for his age. He wasn't like most of the kids his age. Still today,  Carter continues to send our family pics that he draws of Mike quite regularly.  He tells his mom what his pictures represent and she writes the words for him since he is still so young.  Just last week on Easter he was telling his mom how Mike was going to resurrect someday. He gives me hope that our relationships in heaven as spirits are continued here on earth and that they will be just as strong someday when we return to our Father in Heaven.




 When Mike’s burial plot was chosen, we chose for him to be buried at the head of the grave of one of his cousins who had died as an infant. His name was Joseph… just like Mike’s middle name. I can only imagine the joy that will bring Mike to be put to rest by a child. He was always so much more comfortable with children than adults.




 One of the hardest concepts of Mike leaving this earth so early was that I wouldn’t be able to share those grandparent years with him and our grandchildren. That really bothered me and I shed many tears over the fact that I would be missing something that we had looked forward to in the next few years. One day one of my closest friends shared a thought she had about that. She said, “You know what... maybe he won’t be here during those years, but if I know Mike he’s up there choosing them out right now. He’s choosing athletes, and spiritual giants, and comedians for the family.” That gave me such peace and put a smile on my face when she said that. Of course he was meeting them. We may not be together physically, but we would still be grandparents together spiritually.







Love notes are all around us all of the time. They may be earth shattering miracles, they may be good deeds from others that he puts in our path, or they may be just scattered deep thoughts that come to us to give us hope and change our perspective of our circumstances. Our Savior is completely aware of what we need when we are grieving. He has felt all of those thoughts. He has felt the pain that we feel every minute of every day. He knows that we all have different circumstances and different needs on our journey though life. It is up to us to open our eyes and our hearts to the gifts that are given to us to comfort us and give us strength. Sometimes we may be at our lowest point before we are humbled enough to have to find a source of strength in a love note. God knows you. You are his child. Love notes are real.

Love notes…Smiles in the Storm

Fighting  through the storms in our lives can be extremely heavy and exhausting. We may feel the Savior walking along beside us, but it still feels like we are constantly carrying an elephant around on our back. We don’t want to feel the pain anymore, but it feels so wrong to laugh or smile when we have been hurt or have lost someone who made us feel so whole before. We’re afraid that if anyone witnesses us enjoying a small moment that they will come to the conclusion that we are in denial about how terrible our situation really is. We’re afraid that if we laugh it means we are not being loyal to the one we are grieving for. It’s not a funny situation so why should we even allow ourselves to go there?… It’s like we have a  huge neon sign hanging around our neck that says," Please don’t make me smile!… I’m not supposed to do that yet!. It hasn’t been long enough!" If there’s one thing I do know it is that God wants us to have joy. He wants us to look for the good in our experiences here on earth and to help other people do the same. He doesn’t have a certain time table for us to stay miserable. In fact, I’ve never heard that God wants us to be miserable. Unfortunately we are human, and once again, we all deal with the tragedies in our lives very differently.  Our life will never be normal again without the person that we love.  We will always have a hollowness in our heart that never goes away.  That hollowness is a sign that we knew how to love someone deeply. It doesn't mean we don't love them deeply if we have to create a new normal in our lives without them. It doesn't mean we don't love them if we find some joy in life again. It may take a very long time to start allowing ourselves to feel joy, but it's ok to feel it.
 What if Heavenly Father wanted to send you a love note that would bring a smile to your face and briefly wipe away your tears that never seem to have an end? What if he desires for you to have a few minutes of peace?  What if he wants to give you a Tender Mercy, a small window of hope that shows you that you can heal and become whole again ?  Love notes from God can be small simple things that bring a smile to your face during your never ending storm. Those storms where you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel but you just have to put one foot in front of the other and trust in him.. You have to take the next step up the staircase and hope that you will find what you are desperately searching for once you reach the top.   Love notes don’t have to be serious.


 I believe God has a great sense of humor.  Have you ever watched a penguin walk??   He wants us to be happy.
   When you are facing a treacherous storm in your life, the last thing you think about is smiling. For some reason the world has led us to believe that we must react to our challenges in a negative way. It’s like there’s a criteria for how you should grieve and if you don’t follow it exactly you are a failure at grieving. You totally stink as a griever!! I have learned throughout this storm I am in that there is no right way to react to adversity. You are unique!  I have read a lot of books with all kinds of advice and most of it really didn't help me. There is no stupid book that can tell you when you should cry next or when not to cry!  There is no book that should tell you when it is appropriate for you to chuck something across the room or lash out in anger. If you have a book like that I recommend you free yourself and do yourself a favor. Burn the book that tells you how you should grieve. Don’t answer the phone if it’s someone who keeps telling you how to grieve or how much time you have left.  You don't need that  stress added to your already chaotic life.  You have enough to fight through… listen to your own heart and follow it toward healing yourself and your family. You already know what makes you happy when you are fighting through the darkness.  Choose one of those things that is not self destructive and don’t feel guilty about being happy while you do it!! I learned this lesson the hard way. I had spent the first few months after Mike passed away in a terrible grief stricken condition. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, and I didn’t want to see anyone. I thought that since Mike had passed away that maybe I needed to stop living too. When you are grieving you do stop living for a while. What I soon found out was that if I didn’t take time to  give my mind a rest from the heaviness I could not begin to heal. One sleepless night I couldn’t sleep so I started my normal roaming around the house routine. If I stayed in bed too long  it would became a pity party. When I did get up I would run out of energy very quickly.  I wasn't sure what to do during those long dark nights.   I found myself just trying to make it through one more long night…. Which became one longer week…which became one longer month… and so on...
There was one morning when I checked my face book page to see if the world was still moving on without me. I was angry that people around me were still living their lives. Shouldn’t everyone just stop what they’re doing ?  Mike had died! How could they just keep living?.. When you are grieving, you are hurting so much that you can’t understand how people who love you can move on in just a few weeks.  They still try to help you and mourn with you but they have to move on with their lives.  I’ve heard several people tell me they felt the same way when they went through losing a child or a parent. I kept scrolling through the pages looking for something uplifting for the day… Not too far into my scrolling I ran across a post by our 13 yr old daughter. It had a picture of a milk jug and a water bottle sitting on the island in the kitchen.


 The milk lid was on top of the water bottle.


 It said, “You know your mom is not getting enough sleep when you wake up to this! Lol”   I was mortified for a split second but then I just started to laugh. I couldn’t believe I had done something so silly, but it took the pain away for a few moments. For a few seconds I didn’t obsess about my life without Mike. I was thinking about how lucky I was to have a daughter who could see some humor during the storm we were in. She knew that this would make me smile and my kids were wanting so much to see their mom smile again.




 About 2 months after Mike passed away I had another smile brought to my face. Both girls were having their birthdays that week and it would be another first without Mike. I didn’t know how I was going to get through singing happy birthday without him there. How was I going to fake being happy and making it a fun and special day for them? I had purchased some miniature water bottles for the party and had left them sitting on the kitchen counter. I proceeded to go outside to do some work in the garage.  I needed to try to relieve some stress with some sort of physical labor. I had been working out there for about an hour when I walked back into the kitchen to see if our 7 yr old daughter had completed her homework.  There on the bar were the bunch of miniature water bottles all in a straight line.
 Where once they had said" Spring Water"… now they had a different logo. Our daughter had crossed out the spring on every bottle and wrote" Fall Water."
    I was so amused. I started laughing…really laughing. We would not be drinking Spring Water in October at this birthday party…we would be drinking Fall Water!!




 Around Christmas time our son’s wisdom teeth started hurting him. We went to the dentist and were told they needed to be removed. He had already been injured a few weeks before in a basketball game and had a separated ac joint in his shoulder. The kid was having a rough year to say the least. Once the wisdom teeth were removed we were sitting in the recovery room waiting for the anesthesia to wear off. Our otherwise quiet son began spilling his guts about some very crazy things he had done in his childhood. Things I had never heard before or been aware of. He talked about jumping into the swamp waters in Florida with his brother and uncle and having to scramble out because the gators were coming after them. With his mouth full of bloody gauze he tried to clap his hands and arms together to make them imitate a gators mouth. He couldn’t get that gator's mouth to line up because he had no coordination.  He did this for several minutes.   I will never forget how hard my mom and I laughed at that kid that day. He told my mom to look at how beautiful his momma was over and over. It was only a few minutes of relief, but it was what I needed to keep going.   For Christmas he still couldn’t eat so he threw all of his dinner in a blender and drank it… I was so grossed out but that is how important Christmas dinner is to a teenage boy






There are times when you are grieving that you have no idea what you put on to wear that day. You could really care less because just getting your children to school is a major accomplishment. There were days when I would wear my shirt inside out all day and nobody dared tell me because they thought  it might push me over the edge. Grieving is scary and intimidating to  people.  They don't know what to say to you or what not to say to you.  They are afraid at any given moment you could go on a rampage and go completely crazy. When you are grieving your mind is in such a blur that you may feel like you are losing it. You leave keys in doors, you put the chips in the fridge, you call people in your family the wrong names, and you can’t remember any of your 100 passwords to all of your accounts. Sometimes these things make you cry in frustration, but sometimes all you can do is laugh. I was 39 years old and couldn’t remember how to spell my name for months. My kids would tell me they were going out and when they got back I would be so upset at them for not telling me where they had been. People around you will be scared for your well being and will start to tell you that you may need to go to the doctor and get help. They start calling to remind you that you are a mother and that you have children that you need to pick up at 3 :00.   Your son goes on a high school basketball bus trip and you don’t realize it’s an away game until you get to his empty high school parking lot. It sounds so crazy, but your body reacts to grieving in such a strange way... You have to laugh sometimes. I promise it will get better and your mind will get clearer someday again. I’m going on 8 months today and I just started being able to read a magazine and retain something from it. It’s frustrating and nobody understands so just nod your head and smile at people.









  One day I was simply miserable.  I was in the kitchen cleaning up after breakfast wondering what I was going to do to get through the day this time.  I looked out the window and what did I see?  A dirty orange sock hanging in the tree.  How can you not smile at that.  At least the kid hung it on a tree limb so it wouldn’t get ruined.  That was a moment I had to smile.
  It’s not every day you see a sock tree!!




  




  2 months after her dad passed away our daughter was preparing to be baptized. My husband  had been talking to her about this important day in her life.  The day she would choose to follow Jesus Christ. She was so excited for her daddy to baptize her but he left this life a little too early. One night, just out of the blue, she asked our son Colton if he could be her fake dad and baptize her. Kids are so funny the way they handle trials and storms. Her dad could not be there so she was going to improvise and have her brother replace him. It sounded quite brutal, but kids don’t try to be fake…they are very real. We went to the beach a few weeks before her baptism to take some pics for her invitations. Our older daughter loves to do photography so she started taking her different places on the beach and directing her on how to pose for the camera.   I was kind of just letting them do whatever and hoping something turned out good. When we got home to preview what she had taken there were some interesting baptism pics on that camera. We hooked it up to the TV so we could see them clearly and the show began. Half way into some beautiful pics the attitude , "I’m done!" started coming across the screen. You could tell that big sister was trying to get little sister to cooperate and it was becoming quite a frustrating ordeal.




.           You could see the rebellion in this future follower of Christ…










   She was done having her big sister tell her what to do. I didn’t laugh in front of her then, but I did consider using one of those pics to black mail her with someday. It made me smile to know that some things were still very normal in our family.










  Love notes that bring smiles are everywhere… Your situation may not be humorous in the least bit. It may consume you with a torturous pain that you never knew a person could experience. It may turn you temporarily from the fun loving person you were before to a very solemn soul that is just trying to survive while the waves of your storm keep crashing against you.. People may not think you are being serious enough if you let yourself smile.. They will judge you when you don’t smile and they will judge you when you do. It doesn’t matter. This is your journey…not theirs. You know what it that can bring a smile to your face. You know where to find joy when you have had enough of the pain.  It may be watching a sunset by a lake. It may be spending time with a pet that loves you unconditionally.  It may be just reading a book with a toddler, or watching a rerun of Seinfeld.    Heavenly Father wants you to be happy. He knows that sometimes it takes a lot of time to feel happy again but he never wishes for you to remain miserable for the rest of your life. I am convinced that the person you have lost in your life wants you to be happy too. They know that it may only be very small moments when you feel a sense of joy at first… but someday you will be able to laugh without trying. Someday you will be able to laugh without feeling guilty.




 Smiles in the storms are o.k.… God wants you to have those Love notes in your life. You are his child. He loves you.         

Love notes…Before the Storm

  Love notes from God can happen at any time throughout our lives.We don’t have to be in a life changing storm to receive them.  All around us are Tender Mercies, gifts that he is waiting for us to acknowledge. He loves us no matter where we are or what we are doing. He loves us all of the time… not just sometimes. It’s up to us to show our gratitude towards him, our creator and our King.  It's up to us to love him in return for what he has done for us.  We are nothing without God.  There are certain times in our life when we are so broken that we finally choose to become humble and submissive to his will because that’s all we have left.  The world can’t relieve us from the amount of pain we are feeling. We are reminded during those times what life is really all about. There are storms we go through that put us to the ultimate test to see if we will trust in him to guide us through the darkness that engulfs us.  Because we are human, sometimes we beg for him to take away the trial, we try to bargain with him, or make promises to him. We plead with him to calm our troubled hearts. There’s a quote I’ve heard that conveys that God may not stop the storm but he will calm the child in the storm. Unfortunately, sometimes we have to be in the  whirlwinds, the middle of an intensely fierce storm, to see the love notes that were there all along, even before the storm began brewing…





I remember the darkness so vividly. It was 3 months after Mike’s death and I was in a very dark place with no way to escape. My mind was in a complete haze and I seemed to be drowning.  I felt like I had been thrown into a big black pit that I couldn’t climb out of.  I was waiting for someone to throw me a ladder.  I was waiting for my Heavenly Father to take my hand and  help me climb out.  I longed to see the light again. I was in the middle of a deep depression. It was during the winter and I was going through what I later found out was another normal stage of the grief process. Our son, who was a senior in high school, seemed to be going through the same stage as I was. Every morning it took all of the strength we had to get out of bed and function for the day. We had always been close, but after Mike passed away there were some mornings when we could hardly speak to each other.  If our eyes made contact it would just cause more pain to realize we could not comfort each other.  We would hug briefly and then life would move on.  It felt numb and blurry, but life would move on.  Mornings became brutal and painful. Mornings were when I would wake up and realize that it was all true. As my eyes opened my heart started pounding rapidly. It felt like such a heavy, hollow sadness. I wanted to go back to sleep and change the reality of my story. Maybe next time when I woke up life would be normal again. It is a horrible feeling to come to the realization that normal cannot be found anymore. My life would never be normal again. I began to realize that I would have to spend months and years trying to create a new normal for everyone in our family. The person that we loved had gone on and had left a big gaping hole in anything and everything we had ever done together as a family. Every tradition we had together needed to be reinvented because that person wasn't there to fill their role. Just sitting down for dinner and seeing his empty spot was simply unbearable.







 Life was starting to become completely exhausting without doing much of anything. Just doing the dishes became a chore that seemed to be so overwhelming that I wondered if I would ever be capable of living again... I would see a dirty pile of laundry and burst into tears. It was so ridiculous! I felt so weak and so completely useless. I remember going from room to room to clean the house only to find myself wanting to throw myself into any bed I could find. I didn’t want to feel any more pain and sleeping seemed the best way to get relief. There were times I would surrender to the exhaustion and bury my face under mountains of pillows for hours. It took all that I had inside of me to finish a simple task. I had children who relied on me to meet their needs so it was impossible to stay in bed for too long, but sleep was all I could think about. I was lucky during this time to be able get even 2 hours of sleep in the night without waking up into a frantic panic. I would reach across the bed for Mike only to find out once again that he wasn’t there. Our bed was such a cold empty place without my husband. I was lonely and my body was filled with excruciating pain.  There were many nights when our 7 year old daughter would sleep with me and we would hold onto each other for security.

  The months of shock and adrenaline had finally worn off and my body was getting exhausted. Life started to feel very real. Every day I would stare at the clock as I walked by just waiting for the day to end so that I could shut myself out from the world and from the depression. I could not leave the house. I did not want to leave the house. Just taking a shower and blow drying my hair was exhausting. I would go to church, my parents house or to the kids basketball games, but other than that I stayed out of the public eye. I didn’t want anyone to see me like this. If I really believed in God I wouldn’t be depressed right? I would know that he was in control and watching over me. I would know that he was so aware of all the little details of my life and that he would lead me through it. How wrong I was about the word depression... I would later find out that depression is one of the hardest stages of grieving. Its normal and it’s part of the process of becoming whole again. Depression is the body’s way of saying enough is enough. It is the body’s way of saying you have been strong for long enough and now I am forcing you to stop and find balance again. I wanted to be energetic and play with my kids and make them happy but my body or mind was not willing to listen. Our 13 year old daughter was at home with me during the day doing online school.  I tried to be strong around her, but it was way too obvious that her mom was falling apart.  I am so grateful that we were able to be together during those months.  I needed her and she needed me.  We became so much closer as a mother and daughter. There were numerous people around me who loved me and wanted to help in any way they could. They saw me struggle through what should have been very simple things each day. They saw me fall apart at the dumbest moments. There was a time when I was trying to run a copy off for my insurance company and I literally laid down on my mom's floor and sobbed because it wouldn't print.  Those people around me during that time were real and I am so grateful for them. There were also people around me who talked about me behind my back saying that I should be working, going back to school, or doing something constructive. I wanted to scream at them in their faces and yell," I am doing something constructive. I am trying to stay alive!!”" I’m trying to keep my kids alive!!" People couldn’t understand, they would never understand. I shouldn't have even expected them to understand. This was not their journey, this was my journey. I hope that I will never judge a person who is grieving after what I have been through. Grief is not a choice.








It was Thanksgiving about 3 months after Mike’s passing. My siblings had traveled from all over the state to be with us and spend the weekend. All week long I was looking forward to spending time with them. I wanted to laugh...oh how I wanted to laugh. I was so tired of crying. It was draining and exhausting. That morning was one of my hardest. Thanksgiving have always been my favorite holiday. I think it’s because there are no gifts, only family, food, laughter, and football. I was making Mike’s favorite dish Sweet Potato soufflé. . I don’t know why I was putting myself through the agony of making it.. I guess it was because my kids and my whole extended family were looking forward to it. I think sometimes we tend to do the same things we have always done before at a time when they were still with us, hoping that they may come back to us if we don't change anything.  I kept waiting for my husband to come in the house from playing at the annual church football game. I wanted him to wrap his arms around me and kiss my neck just like he had always done before... I wanted him to say, “I have been waiting for this stuff all year"… just like he always had before... I wanted to hear that his knees were killing him and that he couldn’t believe he had let the guys talk him into playing again this year. I wanted to hug him and tell him that he was crazy... just like I always had. That wouldn’t happen this year…That part of my life was gone...







I arrived at my parent’s house for Thanksgiving dinner showered, makeup applied, and very well put together. My composure was awesome even if I was having to fake it.  I could do this. I could get through this day and enjoy my family. They needed me to be" Happy Heide" today not "Poor Heide." I couldn’t ruin everyone’s day just because I was dying inside. Mike was with the Savior and I had wonderful family. We enjoyed our meal together that day and for the first little while I was doing great. I was so happy to be home. I had lived across the U.S. in Florida for 20 years so this was a treat. I had adorable nieces and nephews. It wasn’t a normal Thanksgiving but it was a blessed one. I was missing 2 people out of the 6 in our own family but I knew they were ok. My heart missed our son who was serving a mission, but at the same time it ached when I thought of how he might have felt to be there on that first Thanks Giving without his dad. I was so thankful that I had family to help me through these rough days. Later that afternoon we went to watch some of my brothers and brother in laws play in a tournament basketball game. I felt somewhat disconnected but I was fine. Just a few more days of faking, just a few more days to show my family that I was strong and they didn’t need to worry about me at all. I was the oldest sibling. I was the example. I had to be invincible.

It happened quickly. I didn’t see it coming.  Later that evening I found myself outside trying to get some fresh air. I looked up at the stars like I had been doing for months since Mike had passed on. I wanted to know how he was and what he was up to. I wanted to hear his laugh and see his teasing
eyes again






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 I wanted to tell him how thankful I was for him and how I would try to be a better wife if he would just come back. I would sew that button on his Khaki shorts that he had asked me to do for months. I wouldn’t argue with him anymore about all those stupid trivial things that seem to come between couples... I would stop running around with my head cut off every night trying to create the perfect home. I would take time to stand there and hug him for more than 5 seconds.

 The realization that he wasn’t coming back was the final straw for me that night. It was finally real. I suddenly felt like I was going to go crazy. I started to hyperventilate. I couldn’t breathe! I was nauseous and my head became heavy, filled with  throbbing pains. Everything around me became fuzzy and I was losing the control that I had been able to fake for too long. My whole body was cold and was shaking uncontrollably. I felt so full of panic. My legs felt like they were giving out on me and the world seemed so unbearable. I had to leave. I couldn’t do this for one more minute. I left my kids at their grandparent’s house and I ran away. I didn’t know why but I was crashing. I was crashing hard.







I stayed on the couch for the next 3 days. I stayed in the same clothes for the next 3 days.  I only got up to go to the bathroom.  I don’t remember eating or drinking I just remember feeling almost like I was in a coma of some sort. My mind shut down completely.  I was done. I could not take any more of this. I could not take care of my kids right then no matter how bad I desired too. For the first time since Mike had passed away I had no desire left to live. I needed my husband to hold me. I needed to be told that I would be ok. I started praying to my Heavenly Father to be carried. I started praying for relief from this darkness I couldn’t rid myself of… I started praying for a love note…

Toward the end of those 3 days I had a picture come into my mind. It was a picture from the summer before Mike had passed away. He was in a white shirt and he was helping our daughter climb onto a big rock by the Mississippi river. She was wearing a white dress. It was hanging on our wall in our home in Fl. I had just thought it was a cool random pic before so I hung it up. The symbolism it now represented was amazing.






  This was a love note
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 It was like Mike was helping our daughter through life, pulling her up by his hand when the climb was tough. I started remembering other pics that I had made my family take on our vacation to Nauvoo the year before... I had wanted to have a picture of our family on the wall that signified that we were an eternal family. I wanted us in white to resemble heaven somewhat and what we were striving for. We were so imperfect but my thought was that having a picture on the wall like that would help us become closer. Maybe if we had that pic to look at we wouldn’t quarrel so much or lose our temper so easily with each other






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  Maybe it would remind us that we were all in this together. We were a team and here to help each other come what may. My mom had taken the pics for us and although the family was not thrilled about the occasion they participated through the bribery of a buffet dinner that awaited them. So there it was, a pic of us standing toward the temple arm in arm like a connected family tie that couldn’t be broken even if our circumstances changed.  A tie that would last throughout Eternity! . .. I had not known that the storm was coming when we had done this, but eerily it was so connected to our present circumstances. This was a love note.







I started thinking about how just this summer he had told his boss that he was going to leave work for 3 weeks and go out West to see family. He didn’t have many vacation days… those had already been used in the hospital from previous heart attacks and surgeries. I remember him telling me how his boss looked at him like he had gone completely crazy, but he didn’t fight him about it. I will forever be thankful that this was the man that Mike worked for during this time. He could have fired him or told him no, but I think he must have realized that this was not normal for Mike. Mike didn’t just decide to leave his job without permission. This was important to him for some reason. Less than one month after we returned from that trip to see family he passed away. He got to see all of my family, his aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends from college. He even got a 30 second hug from our son who was serving a mission in that area.
   That was a love note for Mike… He got to say goodbye.






 I started remembering other love notes that had appeared to us the week before he passed away. He had sent a text to everyone in the family that said I love you... just 2 days before he passed away. He always told us he loved us, but he very seldom sent a text saying that. He had sent a letter that same week with his testimony about the Savior to our son who was serving a mission. Mike did not write letters. He hated to write letters. On the day he passed away he took our 7 year old daughter to the tree and shrub nursery that he managed.






 


 I had been at girls camp a couple of hours away from home when he called me that morning. I remember him telling me that he didn’t know why, but he felt like he should take her to work with him that day. He hadn’t taken any of our children to work with him for several years. I told him our son had volunteered to watch her, but to do what he felt was best. He waited until she woke up and then took her to work with him that day. He spent the whole day with her teaching her about the plants, how the irrigation worked, and how they load the trucks.




 


They drove through the nursery for hours talking about all of the names of all the plants.


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  Later he took her out to lunch along with his boss who had become one of his best friends. That afternoon she burst into my bedroom door yelling, “Mom! That was the very best day of my life!” I don’t think I have ever seen her more happy. She had always loved to watch plants and flowers grow just like her daddy.  This was her love note.
It was 2 hours before Mike would leave our home for the last time. I could hear him and the kids laughing in the other room. It wasn’t just once but several times. One of my son's friends was with them.  He had been becoming close to Mike and had started coming over quite regularly.  We loved having him in our home. I was on my bed trying to recoup from a girls camp adventure from the night before  We had stayed up all night and I had told the girls how I had met Mike and what I loved about him. I remember how he  stroked my cheek minutes before while I was asleep and asked me if I was going to sleep until bedtime.




   A few minutes later he called our whole family into the T.V. room.  He said he wanted to show the family some you tube clips. I remember thinking how uncharacteristic and odd that seemed. He had never done this before but I went along with it. As we sat down together as a family he showed us a video on Success. It was about a man who didn’t have arms. He worked for NASCAR as an engineer. Everything he accomplished he did with his feet. The small things we take for granted were very challenging for him, yet he did not give up and become the victim. He became the victor. The clip showed him driving a car with his feet, using a computer by typing with his toes, and washing his car by holding the hose in his mouth. It was so amazing and the kids were deeply affected by it. When it was over he showed us another clip.  This time it was one of the Florida Gators, his favorite college team.  It showed the intense training they went through to achieve personal results. One of the comments was “When you want to win as bad as you want to breathe… that's when you will succeed."  After they were over Mike turned to us and told us that nothing was impossible and that we could do anything as a family.  I was so proud of him for giving our children a heartfelt life lesson… the last one they would ever receive from him on this earth.  Here was another love note before the storm.





As I stayed on that couch for those three days there was something that became very apparent to me. We had been given love notes before the storm to be able to trudge through it and find hope. We had been given signs that let us know that Mike was where he was needed and although we thought we needed him more, Heavenly Father was in the driver’s seat. Someday we would have the answers we so desperately wanted, but for now our faith and trust in his plan was all that we had to hang on to. Looking back, oh how I wish I would have seen it coming. I would like to think that somehow I would have been so much more aware and prepared. We don’t ever see it coming. We know it could happen, but until it does happen we are in denial. No one person ever thinks it will happen to them. When you find yourself going through something difficult look back and try to find the love notes that were there before your life changed.  The love notes that were there before everything you knew was gone in a matter of seconds. Look for a memory, a picture, a conversation, something to recognize as a love note from your Father in Heaven. Look for a gift from him that you can hold onto.  Something that gives you hope and helps you recognize that you are not alone. No one has the same circumstances. No one has the same storms. No one receives the same love notes because those are personal and uniquely yours.








 I know that during this time of darkness these thoughts were not just random or coincidences. I think Heavenly Father was preparing us and Mike for what was coming. He was trying to let us know that we could face any storm or trial in our life and come out the victors…we didn’t have to choose to be the victims. You can choose to become the victor in your storm. You can notice the love notes that are there for you to lift you up and help you take the next step through your journey. You just have to open your eyes. You have to want to see them. You have to accept God’s love for you, not because you are perfect, but because his love for you is always perfect.


 You are his child. Love notes from God are real…

A Love note...Straight from Mike

Love notes from God come at times when you don’t feel like you deserve them.  They come at times when you can’t see the sun because the clouds are blocking your view of how you feel your life should be.  They come at times when you are angry and filled with self doubt and pity.  It doesn’t matter if you think God should love you or not.  He always loves you without exception.  He loves all of his imperfect children perfectly.  It’s up to us to choose to see his hand in our lives even when we are exhausted from fighting our endless storms.  This was one of those times…


I was trapped on the floor of Mike’s Man Cave surrounded by hundreds of pictures that seemed to be swarming all around me.  I say swarming because I remember that is what it really felt like to me.  Scattered all around me were pictures replaying memories of our family’s life together during the last 20 years…It made me feel so enclosed and completely smothered!  I felt like every single memory seemed to want to mock me, taunt me, and suffocate every last breath I had right out of me. They all seemed to be chanting at once, “Look at what you had Heide!  Look at what you had and now it’s gone… all gone!  It’s been taken away from you and nothing will ever be normal or right again…  You are only 39 years old and you have lost all of your dreams!”

My heart knew this wasn’t true.  I knew exactly where these horrible thoughts were coming from and it wasn’t from God.  These negative taunts were coming from the adversary, Satan himself, the liar of all lies.  He wanted this storm to be the one that would ruin me.  He wanted me to believe that my Heavenly Father didn’t love me enough to allow Mike to stay with us.  He wanted me to surrender to the idea that everything we had worked so hard for as a family was one big joke.  He wanted me to think I was forgotten and forsaken by the one who loved me best.  He knew my potential, just like God did, and he was determined to torture me until I gave in to his evil intentions. He wanted me to give up and live in despair for the rest of my life. There would be several times that I would have to come face to face  with the adversary but this was one of the first.

Although I was still consumed by my self pity I refused to believe his lies!  I knew what I believed was true and I knew who I was.  I was a daughter of God!  I was of infinite worth just like every other person on this earth.  I would have these dreams again.  I knew that with every part of my soul.  I had always believed in life after death so why would I stop believing now?  Mike and I had chosen to have our marriage and future family sealed for Time and all Eternity in the L.D.S.  temple.  We didn’t do that because we had too… we did it because we both had the same beliefs and wanted our family to be together forever!  We had both tried to live our lives righteously, even though we stumbled several times along the path.  Heavenly Father wasn’t punishing me and taking away my dreams.  He saw the whole picture and even though I was going through tremendous physical pain and suffering… I had to trust him if I was going to get through this alive.

I needed a Love note…

I don’t know why I finally surrendered to having a dvd of our life made to show at the viewing.  Our neighbors across the street had offered to make it before, but I had told them no but thank you.  One day I was driving down the road and had a sudden realization that I needed to change my mind and say yes..  I was being selfish and stubborn.  They were offering me a precious gift.  This dvd would be a treasure for our children and future generations in the difficult years to come.

Our neighbors are the kind of people that everyone wishes would live across the street from them.  The type of people who bring fresh hot wings to our starving teenage boys randomly.  The kind that still talk to you even when your dog gets in their trash by the road.  They are the kind of people that always think of us and check on us regularly.  If they go to get a toilet paper special at the store, it’s most likely we will be receiving the same special on our doorstep.  They aren't the kind of people who only call when they need something from you, they are calling to see what you need from them.  We have lived by them for almost 8 years and they still seem to know what I need even before I do.  This time was no exception.  They knew that I needed these memories recorded.


It was the 2nd day of going through this painful process of choosing pictures.  I was still in my pajamas at 3 pm. looking like a semi had hit me and then backed up over me again.  I didn’t remember when I had slept last.  Eating and drinking were not important to me anymore. My stomach hurt just thinking of putting something inside of it.  I didn’t have anywhere for food to go anyway… I was so filled with sharp stabbing pains there was no room left for anything else inside of me.  I was weak and I was emotionally drained.  I still didn’t have very many picked out and time was running out quickly.  As I continued sifting through the memories everything looked so much more perfect then I had remembered.  Ok, not perfect, but compared to the present, our life before seemed more perfect every day.  Every memory had a story behind it, a lesson learned, or a carefree moment.  A moment when life was good.  A moment when life was how I wanted it to be!  I wanted those moments back and I wanted them right now!

I didn’t enjoy the current memories I was making.  I didn’t want to have to pick out a stupid coffin or listen to that morbid phone call.  The phone call that wanted to get my permission to donate parts of my husbands body to others who were in need.  Wasn’t it enough that he had put voluntary donor on his drivers license before?  Wasn’t it enough to lose the love of your life without having to answer questions that make you want to vomit over and over again.  I thought it was cruel and unjust!  Nobody had ever told me that I would have to do that.  I answered the phone expecting it to be someone who wanted to wish us well but instead had been tortured through 20 minutes of living Hell!  I was so honored that Mike had chosen to be a donor and that others would be helped through his unselfish wishes, but I found no comfort at that moment.  I hoped I would see it differently someday.  I didn’t enjoy these new memories I was making.  I didn’t enjoy watching my children suffer.  The faces I had witnessed for those last few days were ones of despair, anger, fear, and even peace.  It was all so confusing and it was all so wrong.

My mind started trying to search out the positives in this trial.  I had always believed that things don’t happen without a reason, but I couldn’t seem to find the reason this time.  When you’re going through something traumatic as a family you are constantly trying to find a rainbow for the one who is hurting.  I honestly believed there were angels around us during this time because I couldn’t imagine that we would even start to be strong enough to go through this.  I started thinking about all of the good people who had brought food by the truckloads to our home.  We had fried chicken, barbecue, cakes, pies, chicken and dumplings…everything you could imagine.  Our mailbox was stuffed with cards and sweet letters, some individually addressed to our children.  There were flowers sent by our daughters first grade teacher, plants from the nursery Mike worked at, and people who simply wanted to hug our neck and offer any amount of comfort they good give us.  I have never received so much love. My pride had to be let go as I humbled myself to accept their gracious gifts.  It was difficult for me and I learned that I was not as humble as I had always seemed to see myself.  Receiving is much harder than giving for me.  I had to allow myself to receive so that these wonderful people could be blessed by their kind deeds.  I tried to put on a smile.  I tried to make them feel better as they hugged me with their tears, but I had nothing left to give anyone this time.  I couldn’t be the giver right now  It was my turn to receive.

Choosing out pictures that day was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life.  Every picture that I chose for the pile started making me feel more and more furious.  I felt like I was literally being tortured.  Every time I had to choose another one for the pile I felt like another one of my fingers were getting chopped off.  The intensity of the pain I felt was indescribable.  My insides felt battered and bruised.  I was amazed that the Savior would really love me enough to feel this pain for me, a woman who questioned why she couldn’t have the life she had planned.  I grew impatient and began throwing anything and everything into that pile.  I didn’t throw them with love, I threw them like they were some ugly disease that I needed to get rid of.  I didn’t care anymore.  There were pictures of baby blessing, vacations, Easter pics of the four kids in their Sunday best, and of course those pics where half of them are frowning because they believe pictures are evil and meant to ruin their lives!  I had thrown some serious “Crazy Woman” fits to get some of these memories.  The picture that got to me the most was one of Mike sleeping on the couch with children sleeping on top of him and snuggled up to him.  That was perfection in my eyes as his wife.  It was what I had always dreamed of in a husband since I was just a little girl.

I remember my brothers and sisters solemn faces that afternoon. They cared so much for me and had sacrificed to be there for me when I needed them the most.  They came into the room to help me but this was something I had to do this time. My life felt like it was shattered into pieces and now it was my job to put the pieces back together to create something beautiful.

About 2 days before the funeral my neighbors called me and asked me to come over to their home to preview what they had put together.  I told them no.  I told them thank you for all of their time and effort but I didn’t think I could relive those memories right now.  I couldn’t watch the last 20 years of our life.  The 20 years that two dedicated people had given all that they had to make their life into something beautiful, but now felt ripped into irreplaceable shreds.  My neighbors didn’t take no for an answer and to this day I am so glad they insisted that I see it before the day of the viewing.
I was sitting on their couch feeling like I was about to  see the greatest horror flick of all time.  My stomach was tied in knots as I waited for the life of Mike and Heide to be replayed.  As it began to play I suddenly felt so calm and full of peace.  Our life that had taken 20 years to create was played again for me in a matter of minutes.  What I thought would be horrendous was simply beautiful.  It wasn’t because we were perfect people.  It was because it showed me what we really had together as a family.  We had good time, bad times, and times of struggle together that I never wanted to go through again, but it was beautiful because it was real.  This was what life in a family was  about.  It wasn't about the perfect backdrop where everyone looks immaculately groomed and happy.  This was what a real family looks like.  Tears were falling freely as it started playing the song I had chosen in the background.  My neighbors had chosen the other two songs but this was one that I knew meant so much to Mike.

Several years ago he was driving back to the airport when it started playing on the radio.  He had just left me and our two older sons with my parents in Utah for an extended couple of weeks.  We had been having a family vacation visiting Grandma and Grandpa and now he was returning to go back to work for us…  He told me later that as the song came on he got choked up with emotion and love his family.  The song was about a dad serving his country far away from his family.  His little boy asks him when he’s coming home and this is what he says: 

I’m already there,

Take a look around,

I’m the sunlight in your hair,

I’m the shadow on the ground,

I’m the whisper in the wind,

I’m your imaginary friend,

Can you feel the love that we share,

Oh, I’m already there

I had thought at that time that an extra 2 weeks away from their daddy was so hard for them.  He was everything to them.  I remember them crying for those 2 weeks for him every night.  It wasn’t that I wasn’t a good mom.  It was just that they loved their daddy that much. I wasn’t sure how I would start to fill this void in their lives.  He was the fun loving parent.  I was the mom who expected things to be done a certain way.  I was all business.  I made teeth were brushed, chores were done, and that they were developing their gifts and abilities.  He played with them, provided for them, and made them laugh.  I wanted them to be responsible and well mannered.  Those things I had concentrated on developing in our children weren’t bad things.  They were great things, but they seemed very shallow at that moment.  I realized that I had forgotten how to dance in the rain and enjoy the simple moments of their childhood. I’m sure part of it was all of the stress we had been under but everyone has stress in their lives.  I felt like I had to be strong all the time.  There was no time in my mind to relax and let go...  If everything was in control there would be no problems or heartache. Everything would run smoothly and step by step we would become what I had dreams of us becoming.  I thought I was in control, but was now reminded once again that God is really in control of our lives.  We are only in control of our choices and attitudes toward what comes our way.

Still sitting there watching our life pass by, I started wondering where Mike was.  Was he in the room with me watching our life replay?  Was he aware of how much we missed him and the emptiness we were beginning to feel without him?  Did he really want me to be with him again?  Did he love me like I thought he did?  I wished so much just like in days past that I could have some kind of sign that he was still around us.  My answer came to me very powerfully during those next few minutes.  It would come as a love note not only from God, but very personally from Mike himself.

The love note came as the final song that my neighbor had picked  started playing .  When I heard what it was my heart started pounding out of my chest.  Was I going crazy?  Was that really the song that she had chosen to end this dvd of memories?  I couldn’t imagine her picking this out.  It was a song by Whitney Houston called,  “I will always love you!”  I had given Mike a single cd of that song at a time before we were even engaged.  We were about to call it quits and end our relationship.  I had given that to him as a parting gift.  That was over 22 years ago!

The song is really about breaking up so it didn’t seem like that would have been the right choice for the ending.  I knew it was the right choice because this was from Mike!  He was trying to tell me that although we were temporarily broken apart he would always love me.  I looked over at my neighbor in shock.  I remember asking her why she had chosen to use this song. I asked her how she knew about me giving him the cd.   She looked at me with a very puzzled face.  I think she was thinking I was upset at her choice. She  simply replied that she knew this was the one as soon as she heard it. She had gone through several songs before she found the one that seemed to be the right fit.  She told me that Mike’s sweet cousin had actually questioned if a song about breaking up should be used.  My neighbor had stuck to her guns.  That was the song and she wasn't budging. 

That night was one of the first of many love notes that I would recognize throughout this storm we were in.  As I sat and pondered what had taken place that night I finally had some peace inside.  It wasn’t a lot, but it was something.  I knew that Mike was around me and that he did love me.  He would always love me.  Not the perfect Heide, but the one he had chosen to be with forever.

The woman in his life who was fun loving, feisty, and a little overweight, but beautiful to him because he saw my true worth as his girl.  He still loved that silly, immature, 19 year old girl who had married him and followed him across the U.S. to start their lives together.  He loved the woman who had gone through four terribly rough pregnancies and c-sections to bring him beautiful children who worshipped the ground he walked on.  We were apart right now, but we would always have what we had created with God’s help. 

You can call it random that this song was chosen.  You can call it a coincidence.  I know exactly what it was.  It was a love note for me straight from Mike to me.  It was what I needed to be able to survive one more hour, one more minute, and one more day.  It came to me when I needed to know if I was loved.  It didn’t come because I was any more special than anyone else.  We are all the same in Heavenly Father’s eyes.  It came to me because Tender Mercies are God’s way of reminding us that he is there carrying us during our storms. He doesn't like to see us suffer but he knows what we need to grow into the person he knows we can be.  He sees how great we really are.  He will not leave us alone but we have to open our eyes to see.  Love notes are for us to remember who knows us and loves us the most…  This would only be one of several that I would be blessed to receive…