A Love note...Straight from Mike

Love notes from God come at times when you don’t feel like you deserve them.  They come at times when you can’t see the sun because the clouds are blocking your view of how you feel your life should be.  They come at times when you are angry and filled with self doubt and pity.  It doesn’t matter if you think God should love you or not.  He always loves you without exception.  He loves all of his imperfect children perfectly.  It’s up to us to choose to see his hand in our lives even when we are exhausted from fighting our endless storms.  This was one of those times…


I was trapped on the floor of Mike’s Man Cave surrounded by hundreds of pictures that seemed to be swarming all around me.  I say swarming because I remember that is what it really felt like to me.  Scattered all around me were pictures replaying memories of our family’s life together during the last 20 years…It made me feel so enclosed and completely smothered!  I felt like every single memory seemed to want to mock me, taunt me, and suffocate every last breath I had right out of me. They all seemed to be chanting at once, “Look at what you had Heide!  Look at what you had and now it’s gone… all gone!  It’s been taken away from you and nothing will ever be normal or right again…  You are only 39 years old and you have lost all of your dreams!”

My heart knew this wasn’t true.  I knew exactly where these horrible thoughts were coming from and it wasn’t from God.  These negative taunts were coming from the adversary, Satan himself, the liar of all lies.  He wanted this storm to be the one that would ruin me.  He wanted me to believe that my Heavenly Father didn’t love me enough to allow Mike to stay with us.  He wanted me to surrender to the idea that everything we had worked so hard for as a family was one big joke.  He wanted me to think I was forgotten and forsaken by the one who loved me best.  He knew my potential, just like God did, and he was determined to torture me until I gave in to his evil intentions. He wanted me to give up and live in despair for the rest of my life. There would be several times that I would have to come face to face  with the adversary but this was one of the first.

Although I was still consumed by my self pity I refused to believe his lies!  I knew what I believed was true and I knew who I was.  I was a daughter of God!  I was of infinite worth just like every other person on this earth.  I would have these dreams again.  I knew that with every part of my soul.  I had always believed in life after death so why would I stop believing now?  Mike and I had chosen to have our marriage and future family sealed for Time and all Eternity in the L.D.S.  temple.  We didn’t do that because we had too… we did it because we both had the same beliefs and wanted our family to be together forever!  We had both tried to live our lives righteously, even though we stumbled several times along the path.  Heavenly Father wasn’t punishing me and taking away my dreams.  He saw the whole picture and even though I was going through tremendous physical pain and suffering… I had to trust him if I was going to get through this alive.

I needed a Love note…

I don’t know why I finally surrendered to having a dvd of our life made to show at the viewing.  Our neighbors across the street had offered to make it before, but I had told them no but thank you.  One day I was driving down the road and had a sudden realization that I needed to change my mind and say yes..  I was being selfish and stubborn.  They were offering me a precious gift.  This dvd would be a treasure for our children and future generations in the difficult years to come.

Our neighbors are the kind of people that everyone wishes would live across the street from them.  The type of people who bring fresh hot wings to our starving teenage boys randomly.  The kind that still talk to you even when your dog gets in their trash by the road.  They are the kind of people that always think of us and check on us regularly.  If they go to get a toilet paper special at the store, it’s most likely we will be receiving the same special on our doorstep.  They aren't the kind of people who only call when they need something from you, they are calling to see what you need from them.  We have lived by them for almost 8 years and they still seem to know what I need even before I do.  This time was no exception.  They knew that I needed these memories recorded.


It was the 2nd day of going through this painful process of choosing pictures.  I was still in my pajamas at 3 pm. looking like a semi had hit me and then backed up over me again.  I didn’t remember when I had slept last.  Eating and drinking were not important to me anymore. My stomach hurt just thinking of putting something inside of it.  I didn’t have anywhere for food to go anyway… I was so filled with sharp stabbing pains there was no room left for anything else inside of me.  I was weak and I was emotionally drained.  I still didn’t have very many picked out and time was running out quickly.  As I continued sifting through the memories everything looked so much more perfect then I had remembered.  Ok, not perfect, but compared to the present, our life before seemed more perfect every day.  Every memory had a story behind it, a lesson learned, or a carefree moment.  A moment when life was good.  A moment when life was how I wanted it to be!  I wanted those moments back and I wanted them right now!

I didn’t enjoy the current memories I was making.  I didn’t want to have to pick out a stupid coffin or listen to that morbid phone call.  The phone call that wanted to get my permission to donate parts of my husbands body to others who were in need.  Wasn’t it enough that he had put voluntary donor on his drivers license before?  Wasn’t it enough to lose the love of your life without having to answer questions that make you want to vomit over and over again.  I thought it was cruel and unjust!  Nobody had ever told me that I would have to do that.  I answered the phone expecting it to be someone who wanted to wish us well but instead had been tortured through 20 minutes of living Hell!  I was so honored that Mike had chosen to be a donor and that others would be helped through his unselfish wishes, but I found no comfort at that moment.  I hoped I would see it differently someday.  I didn’t enjoy these new memories I was making.  I didn’t enjoy watching my children suffer.  The faces I had witnessed for those last few days were ones of despair, anger, fear, and even peace.  It was all so confusing and it was all so wrong.

My mind started trying to search out the positives in this trial.  I had always believed that things don’t happen without a reason, but I couldn’t seem to find the reason this time.  When you’re going through something traumatic as a family you are constantly trying to find a rainbow for the one who is hurting.  I honestly believed there were angels around us during this time because I couldn’t imagine that we would even start to be strong enough to go through this.  I started thinking about all of the good people who had brought food by the truckloads to our home.  We had fried chicken, barbecue, cakes, pies, chicken and dumplings…everything you could imagine.  Our mailbox was stuffed with cards and sweet letters, some individually addressed to our children.  There were flowers sent by our daughters first grade teacher, plants from the nursery Mike worked at, and people who simply wanted to hug our neck and offer any amount of comfort they good give us.  I have never received so much love. My pride had to be let go as I humbled myself to accept their gracious gifts.  It was difficult for me and I learned that I was not as humble as I had always seemed to see myself.  Receiving is much harder than giving for me.  I had to allow myself to receive so that these wonderful people could be blessed by their kind deeds.  I tried to put on a smile.  I tried to make them feel better as they hugged me with their tears, but I had nothing left to give anyone this time.  I couldn’t be the giver right now  It was my turn to receive.

Choosing out pictures that day was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life.  Every picture that I chose for the pile started making me feel more and more furious.  I felt like I was literally being tortured.  Every time I had to choose another one for the pile I felt like another one of my fingers were getting chopped off.  The intensity of the pain I felt was indescribable.  My insides felt battered and bruised.  I was amazed that the Savior would really love me enough to feel this pain for me, a woman who questioned why she couldn’t have the life she had planned.  I grew impatient and began throwing anything and everything into that pile.  I didn’t throw them with love, I threw them like they were some ugly disease that I needed to get rid of.  I didn’t care anymore.  There were pictures of baby blessing, vacations, Easter pics of the four kids in their Sunday best, and of course those pics where half of them are frowning because they believe pictures are evil and meant to ruin their lives!  I had thrown some serious “Crazy Woman” fits to get some of these memories.  The picture that got to me the most was one of Mike sleeping on the couch with children sleeping on top of him and snuggled up to him.  That was perfection in my eyes as his wife.  It was what I had always dreamed of in a husband since I was just a little girl.

I remember my brothers and sisters solemn faces that afternoon. They cared so much for me and had sacrificed to be there for me when I needed them the most.  They came into the room to help me but this was something I had to do this time. My life felt like it was shattered into pieces and now it was my job to put the pieces back together to create something beautiful.

About 2 days before the funeral my neighbors called me and asked me to come over to their home to preview what they had put together.  I told them no.  I told them thank you for all of their time and effort but I didn’t think I could relive those memories right now.  I couldn’t watch the last 20 years of our life.  The 20 years that two dedicated people had given all that they had to make their life into something beautiful, but now felt ripped into irreplaceable shreds.  My neighbors didn’t take no for an answer and to this day I am so glad they insisted that I see it before the day of the viewing.
I was sitting on their couch feeling like I was about to  see the greatest horror flick of all time.  My stomach was tied in knots as I waited for the life of Mike and Heide to be replayed.  As it began to play I suddenly felt so calm and full of peace.  Our life that had taken 20 years to create was played again for me in a matter of minutes.  What I thought would be horrendous was simply beautiful.  It wasn’t because we were perfect people.  It was because it showed me what we really had together as a family.  We had good time, bad times, and times of struggle together that I never wanted to go through again, but it was beautiful because it was real.  This was what life in a family was  about.  It wasn't about the perfect backdrop where everyone looks immaculately groomed and happy.  This was what a real family looks like.  Tears were falling freely as it started playing the song I had chosen in the background.  My neighbors had chosen the other two songs but this was one that I knew meant so much to Mike.

Several years ago he was driving back to the airport when it started playing on the radio.  He had just left me and our two older sons with my parents in Utah for an extended couple of weeks.  We had been having a family vacation visiting Grandma and Grandpa and now he was returning to go back to work for us…  He told me later that as the song came on he got choked up with emotion and love his family.  The song was about a dad serving his country far away from his family.  His little boy asks him when he’s coming home and this is what he says: 

I’m already there,

Take a look around,

I’m the sunlight in your hair,

I’m the shadow on the ground,

I’m the whisper in the wind,

I’m your imaginary friend,

Can you feel the love that we share,

Oh, I’m already there

I had thought at that time that an extra 2 weeks away from their daddy was so hard for them.  He was everything to them.  I remember them crying for those 2 weeks for him every night.  It wasn’t that I wasn’t a good mom.  It was just that they loved their daddy that much. I wasn’t sure how I would start to fill this void in their lives.  He was the fun loving parent.  I was the mom who expected things to be done a certain way.  I was all business.  I made teeth were brushed, chores were done, and that they were developing their gifts and abilities.  He played with them, provided for them, and made them laugh.  I wanted them to be responsible and well mannered.  Those things I had concentrated on developing in our children weren’t bad things.  They were great things, but they seemed very shallow at that moment.  I realized that I had forgotten how to dance in the rain and enjoy the simple moments of their childhood. I’m sure part of it was all of the stress we had been under but everyone has stress in their lives.  I felt like I had to be strong all the time.  There was no time in my mind to relax and let go...  If everything was in control there would be no problems or heartache. Everything would run smoothly and step by step we would become what I had dreams of us becoming.  I thought I was in control, but was now reminded once again that God is really in control of our lives.  We are only in control of our choices and attitudes toward what comes our way.

Still sitting there watching our life pass by, I started wondering where Mike was.  Was he in the room with me watching our life replay?  Was he aware of how much we missed him and the emptiness we were beginning to feel without him?  Did he really want me to be with him again?  Did he love me like I thought he did?  I wished so much just like in days past that I could have some kind of sign that he was still around us.  My answer came to me very powerfully during those next few minutes.  It would come as a love note not only from God, but very personally from Mike himself.

The love note came as the final song that my neighbor had picked  started playing .  When I heard what it was my heart started pounding out of my chest.  Was I going crazy?  Was that really the song that she had chosen to end this dvd of memories?  I couldn’t imagine her picking this out.  It was a song by Whitney Houston called,  “I will always love you!”  I had given Mike a single cd of that song at a time before we were even engaged.  We were about to call it quits and end our relationship.  I had given that to him as a parting gift.  That was over 22 years ago!

The song is really about breaking up so it didn’t seem like that would have been the right choice for the ending.  I knew it was the right choice because this was from Mike!  He was trying to tell me that although we were temporarily broken apart he would always love me.  I looked over at my neighbor in shock.  I remember asking her why she had chosen to use this song. I asked her how she knew about me giving him the cd.   She looked at me with a very puzzled face.  I think she was thinking I was upset at her choice. She  simply replied that she knew this was the one as soon as she heard it. She had gone through several songs before she found the one that seemed to be the right fit.  She told me that Mike’s sweet cousin had actually questioned if a song about breaking up should be used.  My neighbor had stuck to her guns.  That was the song and she wasn't budging. 

That night was one of the first of many love notes that I would recognize throughout this storm we were in.  As I sat and pondered what had taken place that night I finally had some peace inside.  It wasn’t a lot, but it was something.  I knew that Mike was around me and that he did love me.  He would always love me.  Not the perfect Heide, but the one he had chosen to be with forever.

The woman in his life who was fun loving, feisty, and a little overweight, but beautiful to him because he saw my true worth as his girl.  He still loved that silly, immature, 19 year old girl who had married him and followed him across the U.S. to start their lives together.  He loved the woman who had gone through four terribly rough pregnancies and c-sections to bring him beautiful children who worshipped the ground he walked on.  We were apart right now, but we would always have what we had created with God’s help. 

You can call it random that this song was chosen.  You can call it a coincidence.  I know exactly what it was.  It was a love note for me straight from Mike to me.  It was what I needed to be able to survive one more hour, one more minute, and one more day.  It came to me when I needed to know if I was loved.  It didn’t come because I was any more special than anyone else.  We are all the same in Heavenly Father’s eyes.  It came to me because Tender Mercies are God’s way of reminding us that he is there carrying us during our storms. He doesn't like to see us suffer but he knows what we need to grow into the person he knows we can be.  He sees how great we really are.  He will not leave us alone but we have to open our eyes to see.  Love notes are for us to remember who knows us and loves us the most…  This would only be one of several that I would be blessed to receive…