Love notes…Before the Storm

  Love notes from God can happen at any time throughout our lives.We don’t have to be in a life changing storm to receive them.  All around us are Tender Mercies, gifts that he is waiting for us to acknowledge. He loves us no matter where we are or what we are doing. He loves us all of the time… not just sometimes. It’s up to us to show our gratitude towards him, our creator and our King.  It's up to us to love him in return for what he has done for us.  We are nothing without God.  There are certain times in our life when we are so broken that we finally choose to become humble and submissive to his will because that’s all we have left.  The world can’t relieve us from the amount of pain we are feeling. We are reminded during those times what life is really all about. There are storms we go through that put us to the ultimate test to see if we will trust in him to guide us through the darkness that engulfs us.  Because we are human, sometimes we beg for him to take away the trial, we try to bargain with him, or make promises to him. We plead with him to calm our troubled hearts. There’s a quote I’ve heard that conveys that God may not stop the storm but he will calm the child in the storm. Unfortunately, sometimes we have to be in the  whirlwinds, the middle of an intensely fierce storm, to see the love notes that were there all along, even before the storm began brewing…





I remember the darkness so vividly. It was 3 months after Mike’s death and I was in a very dark place with no way to escape. My mind was in a complete haze and I seemed to be drowning.  I felt like I had been thrown into a big black pit that I couldn’t climb out of.  I was waiting for someone to throw me a ladder.  I was waiting for my Heavenly Father to take my hand and  help me climb out.  I longed to see the light again. I was in the middle of a deep depression. It was during the winter and I was going through what I later found out was another normal stage of the grief process. Our son, who was a senior in high school, seemed to be going through the same stage as I was. Every morning it took all of the strength we had to get out of bed and function for the day. We had always been close, but after Mike passed away there were some mornings when we could hardly speak to each other.  If our eyes made contact it would just cause more pain to realize we could not comfort each other.  We would hug briefly and then life would move on.  It felt numb and blurry, but life would move on.  Mornings became brutal and painful. Mornings were when I would wake up and realize that it was all true. As my eyes opened my heart started pounding rapidly. It felt like such a heavy, hollow sadness. I wanted to go back to sleep and change the reality of my story. Maybe next time when I woke up life would be normal again. It is a horrible feeling to come to the realization that normal cannot be found anymore. My life would never be normal again. I began to realize that I would have to spend months and years trying to create a new normal for everyone in our family. The person that we loved had gone on and had left a big gaping hole in anything and everything we had ever done together as a family. Every tradition we had together needed to be reinvented because that person wasn't there to fill their role. Just sitting down for dinner and seeing his empty spot was simply unbearable.







 Life was starting to become completely exhausting without doing much of anything. Just doing the dishes became a chore that seemed to be so overwhelming that I wondered if I would ever be capable of living again... I would see a dirty pile of laundry and burst into tears. It was so ridiculous! I felt so weak and so completely useless. I remember going from room to room to clean the house only to find myself wanting to throw myself into any bed I could find. I didn’t want to feel any more pain and sleeping seemed the best way to get relief. There were times I would surrender to the exhaustion and bury my face under mountains of pillows for hours. It took all that I had inside of me to finish a simple task. I had children who relied on me to meet their needs so it was impossible to stay in bed for too long, but sleep was all I could think about. I was lucky during this time to be able get even 2 hours of sleep in the night without waking up into a frantic panic. I would reach across the bed for Mike only to find out once again that he wasn’t there. Our bed was such a cold empty place without my husband. I was lonely and my body was filled with excruciating pain.  There were many nights when our 7 year old daughter would sleep with me and we would hold onto each other for security.

  The months of shock and adrenaline had finally worn off and my body was getting exhausted. Life started to feel very real. Every day I would stare at the clock as I walked by just waiting for the day to end so that I could shut myself out from the world and from the depression. I could not leave the house. I did not want to leave the house. Just taking a shower and blow drying my hair was exhausting. I would go to church, my parents house or to the kids basketball games, but other than that I stayed out of the public eye. I didn’t want anyone to see me like this. If I really believed in God I wouldn’t be depressed right? I would know that he was in control and watching over me. I would know that he was so aware of all the little details of my life and that he would lead me through it. How wrong I was about the word depression... I would later find out that depression is one of the hardest stages of grieving. Its normal and it’s part of the process of becoming whole again. Depression is the body’s way of saying enough is enough. It is the body’s way of saying you have been strong for long enough and now I am forcing you to stop and find balance again. I wanted to be energetic and play with my kids and make them happy but my body or mind was not willing to listen. Our 13 year old daughter was at home with me during the day doing online school.  I tried to be strong around her, but it was way too obvious that her mom was falling apart.  I am so grateful that we were able to be together during those months.  I needed her and she needed me.  We became so much closer as a mother and daughter. There were numerous people around me who loved me and wanted to help in any way they could. They saw me struggle through what should have been very simple things each day. They saw me fall apart at the dumbest moments. There was a time when I was trying to run a copy off for my insurance company and I literally laid down on my mom's floor and sobbed because it wouldn't print.  Those people around me during that time were real and I am so grateful for them. There were also people around me who talked about me behind my back saying that I should be working, going back to school, or doing something constructive. I wanted to scream at them in their faces and yell," I am doing something constructive. I am trying to stay alive!!”" I’m trying to keep my kids alive!!" People couldn’t understand, they would never understand. I shouldn't have even expected them to understand. This was not their journey, this was my journey. I hope that I will never judge a person who is grieving after what I have been through. Grief is not a choice.








It was Thanksgiving about 3 months after Mike’s passing. My siblings had traveled from all over the state to be with us and spend the weekend. All week long I was looking forward to spending time with them. I wanted to laugh...oh how I wanted to laugh. I was so tired of crying. It was draining and exhausting. That morning was one of my hardest. Thanksgiving have always been my favorite holiday. I think it’s because there are no gifts, only family, food, laughter, and football. I was making Mike’s favorite dish Sweet Potato soufflé. . I don’t know why I was putting myself through the agony of making it.. I guess it was because my kids and my whole extended family were looking forward to it. I think sometimes we tend to do the same things we have always done before at a time when they were still with us, hoping that they may come back to us if we don't change anything.  I kept waiting for my husband to come in the house from playing at the annual church football game. I wanted him to wrap his arms around me and kiss my neck just like he had always done before... I wanted him to say, “I have been waiting for this stuff all year"… just like he always had before... I wanted to hear that his knees were killing him and that he couldn’t believe he had let the guys talk him into playing again this year. I wanted to hug him and tell him that he was crazy... just like I always had. That wouldn’t happen this year…That part of my life was gone...







I arrived at my parent’s house for Thanksgiving dinner showered, makeup applied, and very well put together. My composure was awesome even if I was having to fake it.  I could do this. I could get through this day and enjoy my family. They needed me to be" Happy Heide" today not "Poor Heide." I couldn’t ruin everyone’s day just because I was dying inside. Mike was with the Savior and I had wonderful family. We enjoyed our meal together that day and for the first little while I was doing great. I was so happy to be home. I had lived across the U.S. in Florida for 20 years so this was a treat. I had adorable nieces and nephews. It wasn’t a normal Thanksgiving but it was a blessed one. I was missing 2 people out of the 6 in our own family but I knew they were ok. My heart missed our son who was serving a mission, but at the same time it ached when I thought of how he might have felt to be there on that first Thanks Giving without his dad. I was so thankful that I had family to help me through these rough days. Later that afternoon we went to watch some of my brothers and brother in laws play in a tournament basketball game. I felt somewhat disconnected but I was fine. Just a few more days of faking, just a few more days to show my family that I was strong and they didn’t need to worry about me at all. I was the oldest sibling. I was the example. I had to be invincible.

It happened quickly. I didn’t see it coming.  Later that evening I found myself outside trying to get some fresh air. I looked up at the stars like I had been doing for months since Mike had passed on. I wanted to know how he was and what he was up to. I wanted to hear his laugh and see his teasing
eyes again






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 I wanted to tell him how thankful I was for him and how I would try to be a better wife if he would just come back. I would sew that button on his Khaki shorts that he had asked me to do for months. I wouldn’t argue with him anymore about all those stupid trivial things that seem to come between couples... I would stop running around with my head cut off every night trying to create the perfect home. I would take time to stand there and hug him for more than 5 seconds.

 The realization that he wasn’t coming back was the final straw for me that night. It was finally real. I suddenly felt like I was going to go crazy. I started to hyperventilate. I couldn’t breathe! I was nauseous and my head became heavy, filled with  throbbing pains. Everything around me became fuzzy and I was losing the control that I had been able to fake for too long. My whole body was cold and was shaking uncontrollably. I felt so full of panic. My legs felt like they were giving out on me and the world seemed so unbearable. I had to leave. I couldn’t do this for one more minute. I left my kids at their grandparent’s house and I ran away. I didn’t know why but I was crashing. I was crashing hard.







I stayed on the couch for the next 3 days. I stayed in the same clothes for the next 3 days.  I only got up to go to the bathroom.  I don’t remember eating or drinking I just remember feeling almost like I was in a coma of some sort. My mind shut down completely.  I was done. I could not take any more of this. I could not take care of my kids right then no matter how bad I desired too. For the first time since Mike had passed away I had no desire left to live. I needed my husband to hold me. I needed to be told that I would be ok. I started praying to my Heavenly Father to be carried. I started praying for relief from this darkness I couldn’t rid myself of… I started praying for a love note…

Toward the end of those 3 days I had a picture come into my mind. It was a picture from the summer before Mike had passed away. He was in a white shirt and he was helping our daughter climb onto a big rock by the Mississippi river. She was wearing a white dress. It was hanging on our wall in our home in Fl. I had just thought it was a cool random pic before so I hung it up. The symbolism it now represented was amazing.






  This was a love note
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 It was like Mike was helping our daughter through life, pulling her up by his hand when the climb was tough. I started remembering other pics that I had made my family take on our vacation to Nauvoo the year before... I had wanted to have a picture of our family on the wall that signified that we were an eternal family. I wanted us in white to resemble heaven somewhat and what we were striving for. We were so imperfect but my thought was that having a picture on the wall like that would help us become closer. Maybe if we had that pic to look at we wouldn’t quarrel so much or lose our temper so easily with each other






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  Maybe it would remind us that we were all in this together. We were a team and here to help each other come what may. My mom had taken the pics for us and although the family was not thrilled about the occasion they participated through the bribery of a buffet dinner that awaited them. So there it was, a pic of us standing toward the temple arm in arm like a connected family tie that couldn’t be broken even if our circumstances changed.  A tie that would last throughout Eternity! . .. I had not known that the storm was coming when we had done this, but eerily it was so connected to our present circumstances. This was a love note.







I started thinking about how just this summer he had told his boss that he was going to leave work for 3 weeks and go out West to see family. He didn’t have many vacation days… those had already been used in the hospital from previous heart attacks and surgeries. I remember him telling me how his boss looked at him like he had gone completely crazy, but he didn’t fight him about it. I will forever be thankful that this was the man that Mike worked for during this time. He could have fired him or told him no, but I think he must have realized that this was not normal for Mike. Mike didn’t just decide to leave his job without permission. This was important to him for some reason. Less than one month after we returned from that trip to see family he passed away. He got to see all of my family, his aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends from college. He even got a 30 second hug from our son who was serving a mission in that area.
   That was a love note for Mike… He got to say goodbye.






 I started remembering other love notes that had appeared to us the week before he passed away. He had sent a text to everyone in the family that said I love you... just 2 days before he passed away. He always told us he loved us, but he very seldom sent a text saying that. He had sent a letter that same week with his testimony about the Savior to our son who was serving a mission. Mike did not write letters. He hated to write letters. On the day he passed away he took our 7 year old daughter to the tree and shrub nursery that he managed.






 


 I had been at girls camp a couple of hours away from home when he called me that morning. I remember him telling me that he didn’t know why, but he felt like he should take her to work with him that day. He hadn’t taken any of our children to work with him for several years. I told him our son had volunteered to watch her, but to do what he felt was best. He waited until she woke up and then took her to work with him that day. He spent the whole day with her teaching her about the plants, how the irrigation worked, and how they load the trucks.




 


They drove through the nursery for hours talking about all of the names of all the plants.


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  Later he took her out to lunch along with his boss who had become one of his best friends. That afternoon she burst into my bedroom door yelling, “Mom! That was the very best day of my life!” I don’t think I have ever seen her more happy. She had always loved to watch plants and flowers grow just like her daddy.  This was her love note.
It was 2 hours before Mike would leave our home for the last time. I could hear him and the kids laughing in the other room. It wasn’t just once but several times. One of my son's friends was with them.  He had been becoming close to Mike and had started coming over quite regularly.  We loved having him in our home. I was on my bed trying to recoup from a girls camp adventure from the night before  We had stayed up all night and I had told the girls how I had met Mike and what I loved about him. I remember how he  stroked my cheek minutes before while I was asleep and asked me if I was going to sleep until bedtime.




   A few minutes later he called our whole family into the T.V. room.  He said he wanted to show the family some you tube clips. I remember thinking how uncharacteristic and odd that seemed. He had never done this before but I went along with it. As we sat down together as a family he showed us a video on Success. It was about a man who didn’t have arms. He worked for NASCAR as an engineer. Everything he accomplished he did with his feet. The small things we take for granted were very challenging for him, yet he did not give up and become the victim. He became the victor. The clip showed him driving a car with his feet, using a computer by typing with his toes, and washing his car by holding the hose in his mouth. It was so amazing and the kids were deeply affected by it. When it was over he showed us another clip.  This time it was one of the Florida Gators, his favorite college team.  It showed the intense training they went through to achieve personal results. One of the comments was “When you want to win as bad as you want to breathe… that's when you will succeed."  After they were over Mike turned to us and told us that nothing was impossible and that we could do anything as a family.  I was so proud of him for giving our children a heartfelt life lesson… the last one they would ever receive from him on this earth.  Here was another love note before the storm.





As I stayed on that couch for those three days there was something that became very apparent to me. We had been given love notes before the storm to be able to trudge through it and find hope. We had been given signs that let us know that Mike was where he was needed and although we thought we needed him more, Heavenly Father was in the driver’s seat. Someday we would have the answers we so desperately wanted, but for now our faith and trust in his plan was all that we had to hang on to. Looking back, oh how I wish I would have seen it coming. I would like to think that somehow I would have been so much more aware and prepared. We don’t ever see it coming. We know it could happen, but until it does happen we are in denial. No one person ever thinks it will happen to them. When you find yourself going through something difficult look back and try to find the love notes that were there before your life changed.  The love notes that were there before everything you knew was gone in a matter of seconds. Look for a memory, a picture, a conversation, something to recognize as a love note from your Father in Heaven. Look for a gift from him that you can hold onto.  Something that gives you hope and helps you recognize that you are not alone. No one has the same circumstances. No one has the same storms. No one receives the same love notes because those are personal and uniquely yours.








 I know that during this time of darkness these thoughts were not just random or coincidences. I think Heavenly Father was preparing us and Mike for what was coming. He was trying to let us know that we could face any storm or trial in our life and come out the victors…we didn’t have to choose to be the victims. You can choose to become the victor in your storm. You can notice the love notes that are there for you to lift you up and help you take the next step through your journey. You just have to open your eyes. You have to want to see them. You have to accept God’s love for you, not because you are perfect, but because his love for you is always perfect.


 You are his child. Love notes from God are real…